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June 10, 2023

Life has only just Begun—& I’m 51.

I’ve recently experienced some major life transformations that have thrown my entire world for a loop.

I sold my house, I ended my marriage of nearly 11 years, and I moved two hours away from my hometown in an attempt to start over and wipe the slate clean.

The truth is I’m still adjusting to all of the changes, and I find myself getting anxious nearly every single morning. My self-doubt has definitely set in, and I continually question whether or not I’ve done the right thing. My fear of the unknown has a way of spiraling out of control, sometimes.

I’ve shared in some of my previous posts that I lost my father to cancer on January 1st, 2022. He was the “crazy glue” that held me together whenever things got tough or if I ever felt bruised, broken, or emotionally drained, and not having him around me, especially now, is still so incredibly hard for me to absorb.

When he was still alive, he used to say to me, “Just look to your right, and I’ll be there.” To me, that meant that he’d be by my side forever in spirit, guiding me, protecting me, shielding me from harm. I still continue to question God why he took my savior away from me so damn soon. I look up to the heavens almost daily and ask, “How many additional lessons have I yet to learn from my daddy’s untimely passing?”

As I write this, I have tears streaming down my face. I haven’t felt this alone in the longest time. And even though my beautiful mom tries her very best to provide me with a soft place to fall whenever I’m in pain, nothing compared to the unconditional love that I received from my dad. He loved me with everything he had. It devastates me that I can’t hear his reassuring voice, wrap my arms around him, or share my days and experiences with him.

Interestingly enough, I recently met a woman who suggested that I try an exercise whenever I felt overwhelmed by life. She advised me to write a letter to my higher power that no one would ever see (except for me) entitled, “Help me with the Crazy.” It didn’t matter how it was worded, or what feelings I had at the time; she merely told me to write whatever I desired, but to get it on paper. And so I did.

Wow, was I ever angry. I scribbled every thought that ran through my mind. I obviously needed to vent, and this writing exercise showed me just how much I was holding in. I lost a lot in the last year and a half—and I was so hurt. But I’ve made efforts to communicate more often with my trusted sources instead of bottling it all up. Pushing away my true feelings was something I’d done for decades—and I was so tired of repressing my authentic self.

There’s the old adage: when one door closes, another one opens. It’s so true. I just turned 51, and I sincerely feel like my life has just begun. Everything I thought I knew changed when my father passed away. The door slammed hard, and I could barely breathe on the night he died; I had no choice but to pick up the pieces and start over. Death has a way of doing that to everyone who loses someone they love, but we have to carry on.

I feel like my youth and innocence have been stripped away and my self-worth took a hit. When my marriage ended, I was filled with so much rage. My moods were all over the map. I was so angry at the world. I realized it was getting me nowhere—carrying so much aggression. So, I began to change the narrative in my mind. Every day, I kept saying out loud, “Life has only just begun. Here’s your opportunity to reinvent yourself and connect with the people, places, and things that make your heart sing. Just stay present. Stay in the day.”

We are all working on our own individual journeys, trying to make sense out of the confusion that presents itself to us, daily. Every single day we wake up, we have another chance to experience life in all its glory.  Regardless of how old you are, remind yourself: life has only just begun. Try to remember this on the days you feel engulfed by stress.

It helps to open up and talk to someone you trust.

It helps to write in a journal.

It helps to stretch your body and feed your mind with positive thoughts.

It helps to listen to your intuition and rest whenever you need to.

After all the events that have transpired in my life, I regularly remind myself that I haven’t taken steps back in my progress; I’ve moved forward with grace. I am filled with gratitude because I’m alive. I feel like I’m getting better every day, in every way.

So remind yourself that nothing is ever over, unless you say it is.

Choose to focus on the good parts of your world. Whenever a bad thought seeps into your mind, replace it with three positive statements about yourself.

Begin the day by saying: “Life has only just begun,” and you’ll see in time how amazing your life can become.

~

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