June 28, 2023

Thoughts on Feeling Free from someone who Still Longs to Be.

My biggest dream is to be true to myself.

In a society that dictates rules, goals, plans…how can you be you when you don’t fit or tick all the boxes?

I don’t live by a plan.

If I could, I’d take off with a backpack to somewhere that’s ruled by sun and sea.

But no. I have to be responsible and work to make money to provide for myself and for when I’m old. I’m a straight, flat-out, single she in her 40s…

I wish I was free.

From society’s set frame. From other people’s expectations and judgements.

How can a free spirit actually be free? In their mind and in life in general.

I don’t mean free as in I don’t want to share my life with anyone.

I wish I could share my life with someone who gets me. All of me. The normal, the weird, the soft, and the harsh me. To be free in a beautiful, bulletproof relationship would be a wonderful thing. The unconditional love and acceptance, the non-judgment, the ability to see through eyes are all part of being seen and accomplished in a relationship.

Do these relationships still exist?

Do healthy relationships still exist?

Where the body meets the soul? Where the eye meets the spirit? Where the brain and the heart are in it for the same journey?

I feel like people don’t give of themselves anymore. They’re walled up in an immediate, quick relationship pattern that ends when it’s just starting. When it starts getting interesting, they disappear. I think if one really knew the effects of being ghosted, they wouldn’t do it.

That’s what I want to believe.

I want to believe again. In people, in relationships, in love.

Plain, simple, real.

What are we afraid of?

What are we avoiding?

Why the constant need for control?

Why the constant need to be number one?

I know the Universe will provide the best for me. But knowing it isn’t the same as feeling it.

Knowing on a conscious level isn’t the same as bringing up the unconscious trauma, wounds, and hurt to the surface and dealing with them. We can’t deal with what we don’t know is there.

How can we fix this?

Therapy? Counseling? Regression? Family constellations?

I think we need to become aware that all of these things are hidden—but are we willing to uncover them?

Are we willing to start the journey?

Do we realize it’s a long-haul flight?

Are we willing to peacefully coexist with our shadows and dig deep to do the work?

How can we feel light—and be light—with such a heavy environment around us? With people who judge us simply because they don’t understand.

It’s hard to just be you, without the need to justify who you are and why you are like that.

Most people live by the set of rules: go to school, college, work, buy a house, get married, have kids, help them grow, retire.

But what if life doesn’t bring you that direction? What if you don’t buy a house, don’t get married, don’t have kids, and don’t have a retirement fund?

You’re an outcast. Irresponsible.

And for people who don’t live by a plan, if they could just allow themselves to flow, I know life would get them where they’re meant to be.

I know it—but I can’t do it.

Peer pressure, family pressure, society’s pressure.

If I did take off with my backpack to, let’s say, the Maldives, what would happen?

Maybe I would get a job somewhere. Maybe I would be able to save some money. Maybe life would finally throw me a life partner, simply because I’d be living my own truth, on my own terms, in my own light.

But I’m not sure. I don’t know.

People mistake freedom with not caring.

Not caring for those who stay. Wondering if they will feel you’re selfish…irresponsible.

They ask, “Why can’t you just be content with what you have?”

That’s the key to happiness. Yes, gratitude and contentment make you able to cope in an optimistic, integrated way and they’re an invaluable source of life (and what a privilege it is to be a healthy and alive human being!).

But they can also hold you back from living who you truly are.

So somewhere in between you need to find that balance.

The balance between who you are and what you’re grateful for, between counting your blessings and still feeling alive as your truest self.

But how?


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