June 10, 2023

What I Learned about Grief when my Husband Died.

When I lost my husband to terminal cancer, I experienced earth-shattering grief in a way I had never felt before.

And while I read the books and went to therapy, eventually becoming a therapist myself, I wanted the cure, the quick fix, to “get over” and move on from my grief.

It was not until I realized I had to wander with my grief because you do not reach a moment where you get over your grief, rather you have to give yourself the grace to move through it with gentleness, curiosity, and compassion.

When I embarked on my two-plus year long worldwide traveling journey, I healed my grief by moving with it. What I now describe as a sense of wandering.

I have found you never get over your grief. It does not leave you; it only transforms you into a new version of your being.

It is the experience of wandering with my grief that I made peace with it. That I found a deep reverence within it. To wander is to experience life to the deepest and fullest. To be present fully with the moments. It’s not about the destination, rather it’s about the process of the journey. This has changed everything for me.

Wandering brings me into a state of meditation, of surrender, of letting go and giving myself permission to just be present with my grief. To not judge the process. I describe grief as: Love that does not know where to go. Grief is actually deep love.

It seemed terrifying to actually feel my grief. I did not think I could handle sitting with the discomfort and to fully accept my reality. Traveling helped me to feel my grief in a way that allowed me to also feel the deep love I had inside of me.

As I wander on my own, solo woman style now, I have found myself meeting beautiful people on my journey who fill me with inspiration and help me to find the acceptance and peace in my heart to move forward with my grief.

Wandering will show you the possibility to create a new narrative for your life while also honoring your past experiences. 

I wander not because I feel lost or I am trying to “find” or “seek” myself, but rather out of a need to remain curious and open to the mystery of life: To live life fully and also be able to accept the nature of death.

I learned to fall in love all over again and what a gift that is. I learned to make space physically, mentally, and spiritually for the things, people, and places that truly matter to me. This life is short and precious and there is always time to wander.

You deserve a world of wander for no other reason than it will bring you back home to your heart. And maybe this is not going to another country, but this is exploring a new place in your backyard—or going on a walk and choosing a new path. Wandering can happen anywhere.

Create a life that truly allows you to be yourself. To live from the depth of your soul and to find the courage to choose from your heart because that is when you truly begin to live. Honor that longing—that authentic calling.

Wander for the love of wandering and bring your grief with you. Let your grief guide you back to love.

Grief is a journey we must all walk at some point in our life. Everyone will be touched. Some sooner than others, but we are all here on this journey together. And as you begin to wander with your grief, you will find you are able to love even more deeply.

Be as present as you can for the journey. Feel everything that comes your way. I wander because in it I find spaciousness and freedom. I have the opportunity to recreate myself in every moment. In this journey I have learned to fall in love with myself all over again. When you find deep presence inside of yourself, you open the space in your heart to loving someone else too.

Sometimes the dark times of our life bring us to the light of our life.

I choose to wander to not discover answers, but to ask deeper questions.

It is in the act of wandering that brings me a deep sense of peace and contentment of why I am here—to discover the magic and to know that I will grieve as deep as I choose to love and I will always choose to love. For the love of wandering is what I know will bring me back to my heart.

I choose to wander this earth and through it find the precious meaning of what it means to be alive, to heal, to grieve, and to gracefully love and fall in love all over again.

I wandered through my grief to find love again. While I found love for another lover, more importantly, I found love in myself again. Love in my own being—my own sacred presence.

Wandering with my grief has been a gateway back home to my heart. It has reminded me of the deep gratitude and joy for life again. It brought me home to me—all of me.


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