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August 12, 2023

Endings are always Sad.

The phone was ringing, two times, three times.

A click and an answer.

“Hi!”… “Hi”, I said back. A pause. “How are you!” We spoke simultaneously.

More awkward silence.

“How was your day?” He asked… “not bad, the guy is here replacing my Eavesthrough’s. He just started.” I replied.

“Oh that’s great news.” He murmured.

More silence.

“Listen, I meant to call earlier but I was worried about how you are gonna react after the last messages we exchanged. But I didn’t want to leave it at this. I don’t want to break up over texts.” I said.

“I agree”, he says. “Thanks for calling me. I really don’t want to throw away a five year relationship. You are the only person I have and I am the only person you got.” He said.

“Sure. It’s just not fair, you know. You live 3 hours away and this year I barely saw you. I’m always alone. You never once wanted to discuss how being married will look like”, I said. “I think getting married is a bad idea.”

“I think the same”, he started, “this year I began to have doubts about getting married. We always did so well together, but as soon as I tried to step into the husband role we clashed. I think I need to live my life the way I want and you need to live your life your way. We can sometimes meet up, go for lunch or you can come up here to visit.” He said.

“Sure.” My heart sank into the pit of my stomach. My eyes began to burn and I felt my voice getting shaky. I ended the call as soon as possible so he wouldn’t hear me cry.

I loved him so much despite all our differences and his moodiness. But the relationship had been hard on me. I had gained forty pounds since we began dating and I no longer felt like myself around him.

I miss the days I did readings and reiki on my days off work. If I had a husband at home, I could have more dedicated times for spiritual readings and coaching. In a husband I look for support, not someone to control my life or tell me how to do things or how to think.

I don’t know if he was the problem but he took a lot of my time and energy over the years. There has been a lot of drama and covid talks over the past three years. We hardly ever talked about anything else. We always ended up talking about the same topic yet again. It caused me a lot of anxiety, especially in those mornings after my night shift when I’m supposed to settle down for sleep.

It’s been exhausting. He has a certain idea of how he wants to live his life. I’m not that strict. And I don’t want to feel like a bad person if I’m not that strict. I can’t take that much judgment and criticism all the time.

We agreed to disagree on things and decided to leave it at that.

*image by Jupilu on Pixabay

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