Yesterday I went shopping with my cousin. Actually, she wanted to shop, and I simply accompanied her around, not that I was to buy anything for myself.

Even though I had planned to shop for a new laptop elsewhere with my other cousin, I didn’t. I wasn’t in a rush anyways.

However, self-sabotaging your desires, no matter how small they are, turns the inner selfish voice into a silent killer. It starts crippling you little by little when you are meant to be enjoying life.

We were eating dinner last night, and this voice started whispering to me that I should have shopped for the laptop yesterday. I wasn’t dedicating time to doing what I wanted. As a result, I felt sad and pitied myself.

There comes a point when all these small things pile up into self-hate, which pushes you to be a selfish prick at the wrong times. Sometimes we think self-sabotage makes us loving and supportive but is this the truth?

Sacrificing — Is It Really Love? 

During my childhood, I’ve always wanted to sacrifice whatever I could to see others happy. I learned this from my aunt as that’s what she did with her life. She sacrificed living life on her own to take care of my grandparents and their son.

She’s been my example of the loving person I want to be. And I’ve always thought love equals sacrifice. Sacrificing your time, money, or opportunities for the ones you care about.

Now, I’ve come to question whether giving up your own freedom is really the meaning of love. What if this way, we deplete ourselves of love and grow selfish and desperate in the darkness that’s formed?

Love Disbalance and Incompleteness 

As long as you give your time and money away as if it’s your job, people will keep thinking it is your job, and when it’s your turn to ask for a favor, you don’t get the same effort from them.

Unlike you, they’re not sacrificing similarly. You start thinking maybe this is your role.

And there’s this love disbalance that’s created. You start feeling bad for not making more time for yourself. You work less on building yourself up, and it’s hard to attract the right people when you’re incomplete.

Incompleteness leads to a lack of confidence. And no one wants to be around unconfident people. And this leaves you lonely in front of a decision:

Either Love Yourself or Keep Sacrificing 

Our parents didn’t spend time finding their passion. They went and took the best jobs they could so that we could afford a good life. They sacrificed building themselves for us to have more options and live comfortably.

They focus on giving us everything, without knowing that we learn from their incompleteness.

We learn from their actions, and thinking models, and we adopt the same worldview. We learn to do the same and rush to be providers of the external world, ignoring what our inner world demands.

Then comes a point where we all suffer this disbalance, or even worse, pass it to other generations. The vast void left inside holds darkness where the worse of personalities can grow.

You’ll be afraid to ask for love when your soul needs it and you’ll wither like a beautiful flower left unwatered, or even worse, direct this darkness outward, hurting people.

Can we deplete ourselves of love and grow selfish and desperate in that darkness that’s formed?

And while you succumb to pain and loneliness, an important question comes up.

Was It Worth It? 

All the time you sacrificed, the saved money, and the effort spent to provide for your loved ones. Was it worth it? Did you actually help them?

No. 

The answer is “No” for the majority of cases. While you thought you helped the ones you care about, you actually hurt them. Your help was detrimental to their growth. You protected them from the struggle and they grew unable to bear struggles when you were not there.

We’re thrown into challenges so we can grow, and when our parents skip the hard times for us, we don’t understand the essence of making it on our own.

See, my grandparents and relatives supported my schooling with money and clothes. I didn’t have to work 8 hours a day while attending high school and even the first years at the university as most students are forced to do. But my parents weren’t living a good life. They were struggling.

And, if it wasn’t for my parents who were struggling, I’d never have reasons enough to search for ways to build a skill that would make me money. I would have lived my teenage years only reading books, experimenting with programming, trying to invent things out of my childhood toys, and living in my small comfort zone.

Love took the form of sacrifice in my eyes.

I’m grateful to have seen both sides of the coin. It has taught me to appreciate people for who they are and appreciate life as it’s given to us. It has also made me ask more questions and enter this endless journey of self-discovery and be curious about the unknown.

However, I’m witnessing how other people (including my relatives) value life and start their day each morning. Yes, we must support each other, but not make one’s journey easier by putting their weight on our shoulders. Not only does our pain become unbearable and makes us bitter but we also prevent others from growing.

Other youngsters my age worked harder while studying at the same time and gained much more wisdom as long as their actions aligned with their pure intentions. The small rich minority who’s had all they needed don’t value life as much as they do. Rather, they find stupid excuses to be selfish.

So, we all have to go through some kind of suffering to grow. But what if your suffering includes suppressing all your desires, and doing just what you’re told to? What happens when you give it all?

Then, You Seek Freedom in The Wrong Places 

It feels good when you’re appreciated for agreeing with others. That chunk of validation feels like freedom for a moment, but it’s actually the entrance to another prison. The prison of attachments and validation. Now, you’ll always depend on others to validate you to feel fulfilled.

You seek love through illusional pain. It’s going to be a happy party and you’ll find a corner to feel lonely. You’ll lack the courage to find love.

Oftentimes, you’ll be the mood killer because you realize that you haven’t given yourself the time it asked for.

That chunk of validation feels like freedom for a moment, but it’s actually the entrance to another prison.

Suppressing your feelings and desires won’t make them go away. They’d rather be buried inside you to reveal themselves when others reach what you’ve wanted. You’ll feel itching to take action but now the skin is so thickened. It’s safe here.

Final Words — The Way Out

Detachment. Responsibility. Action. 

We come alone in this world with a unique purpose that only we know. It’s a purpose that reveals itself as time passes in the opportunities and desires that show up along the way.

The moment you detach yourself from others, stop feeding with their validation, take responsibility for your life, and start acting towards your goals, that’s the way out. That’s when you dive into a selfless life.