“Life for me now is a process of rewiring my mind to embrace my inherent longing for connection while dismantling the defense mechanisms that once isolated me.”

Childhood is a time of growth and confusion for us all. As preteens we’re all feeling akward, trying things out. We navigate a whirlwind of emotions, often projecting them onto others. Mirroring what we see around us and in our homes. I believe bullying is a way to play with control, explore boundaries with others, and offset the sensation of that natural discomfort of life. Being mean to one another seemed to be the preferred social way of interaction, at least to me. Whether or not this was always my reality, it was amplified in my sensitive, empathic being.

I struggled to grasp meanness and often questioned why we couldn’t all be friends. I wondered why there wasn’t more curiosity amongst each other, and why there was such harshness. My introspection, influenced by budding neurodivergence, often made me seem strange to my peers. Exploring ways to gain attention, I acted out in more unusual ways, which often emphasized negative responses. In 6th grade, the situations escalated, leading to the start of severe bullying. People started being mean to each other, like really mean. I spent many days dreading class, leaving class in tears, emotionally eating, and forming resentment and isolation habits.

With little hope and help from school officials, and not really seeing a feasible end in sight, I refused to show up to school any longer. My mom tried her hardest to encourage me to go, but there was no convincing me anyway. I feel for how much turmoil this caused her, also. I had made up my mind that others just were better off without me, and me without them.

I ended up enrolling in a homeschool program. I spent from the age of 14–16 in a lot of solitude in the online world, outside of family and a couple of friends I stayed in contact with. I had little desire to engage with peers. I didn’t trust them or feel like I would ever be understood. I remember feeling like I had already cultivated a deep sense of disappointment and resentment with others, and feeling much older than I was. I focused on grabbing the attention of men, not so much boys, because this was a solid place I realized I could get some validation. This is another pattern I’d realize and carry deep into adulthood. I knew that something inside me was trying its hardest to meet the needs I was missing while in isolation, and this felt guaranteed.

If we fast forward the years to my early 20s, I continued to lead a pretty lonely lifestyle, disguised as self sufficiency. I kept others a pretty solid length and considered myself a master of not needing others, as many of us do. I had some distant relationships with people that rarely felt close or consistent. I really didn’t know how to feel comfortable when with others, I would often chameleon to the personalities of others. I only felt truly comfortable by myself, and others never got to know me as a result, leading to a constant feeling of disconnection.

I tried to convince myself that this worked for me, but I was silently suffering in my loneliness more as years went on. My relationships were frequently suffering and developing drama, especially my romantic ones. I would constantly try to prove the worth I never felt in the eyes of others, and be constantly mistrusting. They would usually not end well, but with chaos and even physical struggle.

I started some soul searching at 25, and ended up delving into energy work, meetups, a little bit of therapy, the things a seeker might go towards. I found other seekers, all seeking for different reasons. A commonality was, we all desires more connection in our lives: One day, I went to a meetup where I found a community of people who lived “ intentionally”, meaning connecting beyond surface level and welcomed opportunities for personal growth. They lived together and this was the premise of the household. The house welcomed expression of a wide emotional range as well, which piqued my deep need for connection and curiosity. This was my first introduction to personal growth in community.

While I lived there, I felt seen in ways I never had been for the first time. I saw people expressing themselves in ways that I always longed for. I was also confronted with some hard truths about myself and the way I showed up in relationship with others. I was called on my lack of understanding and respecting boundaries, being difficult to connect with and tell the truth to, and my intense anger and jealous outbursts. My past was catching up to me with a magnifying glass on it. I initially was pretty resistant, and while this was painful at times… it was an extremely needed piece I needed to move forward.

That was 7 years ago now. Over the years, I’ve developed skills to open my heart and connect with others from an authentic place and show up with my truth, even when it’s hard. I’ve trained in bodywork and life coaching, and enjoy helping others learn tools to fully accept the hard parts of themselves. I’ve developed solid mental and physical health practices and have a different relationship to my emotional regulation.

While I still have days that I wake up feeling like the bullied teen girl, inner voices to match, I relate to “her” entirely different. It’s an ongoing process of rewiring my mind to embrace my inherent longing for connection while dismantling the defense mechanisms that once isolated me. I still have those hard days where I prefer being solo and may struggle to open up. I just know now there’s no shame in the journey. I now know that my past doesn’t solely define who I have grown to be. The little bullied girl has finally grown up, and beyond this.

Though this is a sample size version of my story, the intention is to remind others that we don’t have to be defined by our past. The ongoing journey of comprehending, embracing, and ultimately loving our true selves is a worthwhile endeavor, provided we are willing to embark on it. Let’s raise a toast to shedding the layers of our familiar past identities that hinder us from becoming all we are destined to be!