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September 22, 2023

“Relationships are about trust. If you have to play detective, then it’s time to move on”

Recently, this topic has been taking a lot of space on my head. I have played it over and over again, at times with different self-created versions, but all relating back to the same overall thread: TRUST. Having experienced the break of trust on numerous occasions, I have now, more than ever, come the realization that Trust is more important than anything else in a relationship. Sure, you can have love (whatever that means to you), passion, friendship, agreements in liking, but Trust is the true foundation. Everything is built on that one single word – once it’s broken, especially when it’s broken repeatedly, it cannot ever be rebuilt; at least not without scars.

Yes, I’m sure there are people who disagree with me on the rebuilding, but that is based yet again on trust and it takes BOTH parties to be transparent and honest. If even one person is going into this rebuilt with a hidden agenda of merely mending the situation, then trust has already been compromised.

And let me tell you – in that situation, the “trusting” person will become a constant, yet unpaid detective; always looking for the unspoken and seemingly hidden signs and giveaways, such as facial expressions and body language. The worst, however, is when you find out the truth by accident or from another person altogether. It’s like a stab in the back, but it goes deeper and cuts so violently that it will most definitely leave some nasty, but unseen scars. Then, when you confront the person, they oftentimes go in defense-mode and start (fake?) crying; telling you they were trying to ‘protect you’ or just trying to do “the right thing.’

Let me tell you: the right thing is to be open, honest and transparent, because why else be in a relationship if you just do whatever you want anyway without any sort of accountability? You may THINK (because that is the story to tell yourself to fall asleep at night) that you are doing something grand and heroic by not disclosing the information, but in reality you are building a thick, invisible and unbreakable wall between yourself and the other person.

The “trust breaker” will potentially do nice things for you, distracting you from any signs or clues that could give away their actions. And because you trust that person, you think nothing of it. Then time goes on and while the “trust breaker” feels safe, you may start seeing patterns of events that don’t make sense to you. You may be voicing your concerns or bewilderment and that other person reassures that everything is fine and that YOU must be mistaken or even overthinking things. YOU ARE NOT! Your gut instinct does not lie – I don’t know what ‘magic’ power it has or where it is pulling that feeling from, but it is more accurate than we give it credit. So, trust it and keep investigating. But be warned, the more time has passed from the moment your trust was broken behind your back, the bigger the shock, disappointment and feeling of betrayal. You confront the person and talk about it, and because YOU are a caring and understanding person, you hear them out, trying to put yourself in their position and then, from deep, deep inside yourself, you pull out the courage to forgive them. And that may work if their action was an anomaly. Most often than not, they will do it again – maybe not straight away, but they will do so if it fulfills a selfish purpose. And most likely, they have not only betrayed you, but others as well. They are a “professional” liar and narcissist; there’s nothing worse! And from there on, you will find yourself with imaginary pepper spray in your pocket and self-defense moves; ready to strike back at any time. You are scouting for any signs of questionable motives, actions, and responses. You have officially gained yourself the title of “professional & private investigator”; unpaid, of course and with a broken heart and ill feeling of betrayal at all times. At any given moment, you will start analyzing a conversation you were part of or a witness of; you compare and contrast with already gathered facts. Once you repeatedly find yourself in this position of private, secretive investigation, you KNOW this will never end. That “professional liar” will not change their behavior and you realize that everything you do is to protect yourself and your own future; you become secretive, selfish and share limited information out of concern that the “liar” will take and run with it for their own selfish purposes and do things with it that will (eventually, but always) come back to hurt you. You will, at some point, be disappointed again; betrayed all over and you will hear the same type of excuses – to the point you could even recite them all! And THIS is when you KNOW, the ‘relationship’ will NEVER be the same. The other person will think otherwise, but not you – for you, the ties where cut. There may be other things, circumstances or people that will force you to stay connected, but in a way, that “liar” is now on a completely different plane level; you engage with them, but your emotional state has shifted dramatically and you are entirely detached form that former relationship. Now, you might not downright hate them, but you will mentally put them in the place where they belong. Emotionally detached. No nice gesture will fix those deep cuts within yourself. No gifts will ever be a promise of behavioral change.

Trying to hold on to something broken is unhealthy, mentally and emotionally draining and in some ways YOU will become a shell of you former, maybe even more happier self and start isolating yourself to avoid betrayal from others. Why should you walk around wounded and marked when the person doing the betrayal is choosing to be oblivious and instead walks around carefree, like they are the hero of the story? YOU did not do anything wrong!

The truth? There’s no going back – YOU have ended that once ‘happily (?)’ relationship – and you probably ended it a long time ago, but now have finally acknowledged it. Congratulations! You are FREE. Because NOBODY should be a constant private investigator in a relationship, ever! (Unless it’s your actual job). Relationships are hard sometimes, even though they should not be, but they definitely should not ever be built on continuous betrayal and lies, nor be continued to allow those things to reoccur.

It’s YOUR life – don’t imprison yourself by wearing a heavy cloak marked with scars! You deserve better!

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