I am looking for a new paradigm for everything. A way to live and be in the world in a way that aligns with a deeper part of myself—a soulful way.
Some recent experiences have given me clues as to what the problem is and how to fix it.
Last year, I met a shaman and healer in Costa Rica named Yao who told me she could only spend short periods of time in the United States because the energy here is so unbalanced; there is an overabundance of masculine energy and not enough feminine energy. Too much yang and not enough yin, I suppose.
She is someone who speaks to beings from other dimensions, sees auras, and understands the world of spirit more than anyone I’ve ever met, so I trust her judgment.
Yao put words to an idea, a reality, that had been forming in my own heart. She spoke a truth I already knew but didn’t know how to say. When she spoke it, I thought, yes, that’s it. The imbalance of the male and female energy, the yin and the yang, in the most powerful country in the world, is unmistakable and now palpable to me. Now that the veil has been lifted, I see and feel it everywhere.
Knowing this now in my mind, as I suspected all along in my heart, has provided some clues as to why I have felt ill at ease in my own skin in my own culture. I was led to believe that to have a decent life I must work hard, get good grades, go to college, get a job, buy a house, save for retirement, and so on. The list of what I’m supposed to do to be happy and fulfilled is long.
What about who I’m supposed to be?
After a series of events over the past few months, somewhat stressful events involving changing jobs and moving a couple of times, I sit at a crossroads. A liminal place. I feel myself to be fully and completely in the void at this moment in time. I had been creeping up on the void but made decisions to avoid it, decisions that have brought me exactly where I was going to end up anyway. I just took a detour to get here.
I’m a pile of slime and goo inside a cocoon, keeping the faith that what’s on the other side of this is gonna be alright.
The work I’m doing inside the cocoon is some of the most difficult I’ve ever experienced. After all, transformation is hard work. In fact, I am launching a web design business—for the second time—and this time around I’m doing it differently.
This business will weave together my spirituality and values in a way that is uniquely me. The business I’m cooking up inside this cocoon with the rest of me will be inextricably linked with what I know to be true about creativity, intuition, and the power of the feminine voice. The power of my own voice, which is sometimes feminine, sometimes quite the opposite.
I envision emerging from this state as more authentically myself, and my business will be an extension of who I am, which, I now realize, must be the foundation for what I do. The doing (yang energy) will be an extension of the being (yin energy).
This time in the void reminds me of a quote by Maya Angelou, “If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be.”
Finally, at age 53, I am ready to leave “normal” behind and fully embrace who I am so I can do the work I was meant to do in the world.
I’m not sure about everything that entails just yet, but I keep the faith that it’s something more wonderful than I can imagine as a mere pile of goo.