November 14, 2023

Dear “Alpha Men”: Put down your Microphone. Stop your Podcast. It’s Time for Therapy.

 

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*Author’s note: this is in no way a reflection of all men. Many beautiful, authentic, and vulnerable men out there have done their work. And whilst there are some women out there who should also have their microphone taken off them, this article is about the myriads of men currently spreading their poison on social media.

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“Heterosexual men don’t like women. They would rather spend their time with other men.”

“Women need to be trained and need disciplined, so they become obedient wives. It’s not abuse to give them a slap.”

“A woman’s body count matters, but a man’s does not. Nobody wants a woman that has been ran through.”

“Don’t comfort an upset woman because when they are vulnerable, it’s easier to spread their legs.”

“A woman needs to be in her feminine energy, which is nurturing, submissive, and joyous. Nobody wants a woman who can’t make a man’s life easier.”

“Women have an expiry date. Men are desired more in older age, whereas nobody wants a woman over 30.”

“Men are not attracted to independent, strong women as they are in their masculine energy. They aren’t intimidated, they just find them unattractive.”

“Women need to have sex, even if they don’t want to. Men should not tolerate a sexless relationship and demand sex as an alpha king.”

“There are too many weak women out there these days. Women need to persevere in neglectful or abusive relationship instead of just giving up. It’s the woman’s issue. They have a duty to their husband and there should be no such thing as divorce.”

“I deserve a virgin wife. I will be the leader in the relationship and provide protection and money. I expect her to run the house and look after the kids.”

“A man is a ‘simp’ or a ‘beta’ if he is vulnerable. If he decides to be a stay-at-home dad. If he allows his partner to go out with friends. If his partner earns more than him. A relationship is not equal. The man is the leader and the woman is to follow that lead.”

“Once I’m in a relationship with a woman, I own her. She’ll be mine for the rest of her life. If I have to lock her up to stop her talking with other men, I will.”

“Women will only go for the ‘alpha’ man that has the attention of other women. Don’t let a woman know you like her. Make her jealous, until she comes running to you.”

“Men can have sex with other women outside of their relationship and it means nothing. But if your woman even talks to another man, she’s not loyal. Get rid of her and move on.”

These are just a snippet of what these self-declared “alpha” men are sprouting on podcasts and videos, and they are all over social media. It’s deplorable. It’s ugly. It’s misogynistic. It’s toxic. It’s bitter. It’s dangerous. But most of all, it’s a massive insight into their damaged, insecure, and dark souls.

I’m calling it—these men do not need microphones. They do not need their own podcast. They have absolutely no place giving advice. These men, these troubled and disturbed men, need therapy.

I’m not sure how or why this trend has started, but it’s a dangerous slope we are on. There’s a whole community of these men out there, spewing this vitriol all over social media. Blaming feminism for the destruction of the foundation relationships should be built on.

Women should not have careers, and those choosing careers over having a family will be lonely and miserable later in life. Women have become the enemy of these men because, simply put, women no longer have to tolerate their sh*t. We no longer have to stay in bad relationships. We no longer have to put up with controlling behaviour, disrespect, abuse, or emotionally stunted men. We have independence and autonomy and that means these type of men need to work harder at being better humans. They need to step up and they don’t want to because it’s so much easier to just blame women for their lot in life. The harsh reality is it’s not the women who struggle being alone; it’s these men, and it bothers them immensely that women are actually okay alone and in many cases thriving.

As an independent woman, a mother, with a friendship circle that includes men and women, a woman who loves compassionate, kind, authentic, and vulnerable men, and a therapist, it saddens me that these men are suffering, but it angers and disappoints me that they are creating platforms to spread their pain, in the form of hate and utter disrespect. And it’s spreading like wildfire. It started with the likes of Andrew Tate and now they are a dime a dozen.

There are two obvious things that stand out for me. One: these men did not have their needs met as kids. Something happened in their childhood that has distorted their belief systems, their ability to attach in a healthy and secure way and they have deep insecurities. They lack the capacity to be self-aware and their emotional intelligence hasn’t developed. Two: these men are seeking validation from other men, in some sort of pack mentality. They crave impressing other men. It’s all about status and being seen as “high value.” However, sadly, their understanding of “high value” is pure toxicity. They sprout their unhealthy thoughts like they are facts, but the only academia they have comes from “Trust Me Bro University.”

For all the gibberish they speak, none that I have seen have any actual training or experience and cannot articulate any factual studies to back up their ramblings. There is no understanding of mental health. There is absolutely no self-awareness. There is a deep-seated hatred of women, with the exception of using them for sex, objects, and maid services, but they also have an obsessive need to control women.

They have no comprehension of what a healthy relationship actually looks like. There’s an inability to see another perspective. There’s desperation to be seen and heard. There’s this weird flex that listening to other men speak of what women want is far more accurate than listening to real women say what they really want. There are these archaic and patriarchal views that are harming to both men and women. There’s cognitive dissonance. There’s cognitive bias. There’s little boys who through a dysfunctional childhood have learnt unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with their unmet needs and have grown into dysfunctional men, who have the potential to be dangerous.

And I’ll shout it from the rooftops. Over. And. Over. Again. These men do not need a microphone. They do not need a podcast. They need therapy. Lots of therapy, if they are to become functional, emotionally healthy men who are able to have deeply loving relationships with women. And, in fact, a deep love for themselves, because for all their bravado, these men are sad, unfulfilled, and broken.

Interestingly, they want to “spread their seed” because that’s what men are here to do, they say. And it’s completely natural that they stray outside of their relationships because it’s a carnal, physical need for men. Yet with all this blabbering about their need for sex with multiple women, a woman who has multiple partners is a hoe. She’s “for the streets.” And it’s not the same for women as they are emotional creatures, they shout.

All I hear are excuses for men to behave badly. As adults, we are responsible for the choices we make and we can choose to be faithful, it’s as simple as that. Justifying their own poor behaviour and simultaneously degrading women for behaving the same as them is farcical. But of course, it’s all the fault of feminism because these men don’t take personal responsibility for anything.

They say strong, independent women are unattractive. I call bullsh*t. They are not attracted to these women because they are scared of them. They know these women will not tolerate their crap. They know these women have self-respect and they won’t be able to manipulate or mould them.

It’s the same reason these men advocate for dating younger women, because more often then not, younger women are “easier to train” (their words, not mine). Women their own age or older, see straight through them.

Imagine being that insecure that a woman who has self-belief, self-love, autonomy, and independence is a “turn off,” and instead of acknowledging it’s a “you problem,” you denigrate the woman. Projection at its absolute finest.

The common narrative of these men is a need to protect their women; they are big, strong “alpha” men after all.

I understand the need to protect. I’m a mother and grandmother and I’ve always been protective of my kids, my loved ones, and friends. But these “alpha” men speak like they are in the jungle, protecting their women from predators. But honestly, who are they really protecting their wives from? I’ll tell you whom: in the majority of cases, it’s other men. These same “alpha” men who don’t hesitate to control their partner, disrespect their partner, cheat on their partner, perhaps even discipline or abuse their partners, apparently need to protect these same women from other men! Aaah, the irony. Here’s a thought: what about teaching men how to respect women? It’s mind-boggling.

There is so much to unpack with all these unhealthy men and their toxic videos, and I can’t possibly unpack it all in one article. However, the theme is the same across the board. Men who call themselves “alpha” and speak of alpha, beta, simp. Men who call themselves high value and speak of high and low value people. Men who speak of body count in women. Men who speak of masculine and feminine energy, moulding it into something they want it to be. Men who speak of being the leader. Men who say men and women cannot be friends. Men who blame feminism for all their woes. Men who are heavily invested in the patriarchy and cannot see the damage it’s doing to them. Men who speak of single women being miserable. Men who have all the answers to what women really want but no answers as to why they’re miserable men who need to put down others to feel better about themselves. Who instead of becoming healthy men who can attract a healthy relationship, they are making podcasts.

It’s a lack of self-awareness, insight, and the need for validation from other damaged men that is seeing an increase in this stuff. The woman in me is furious at these men for the harm they are doing to both men and women. The mother in me is concerned about the ramifications of all this hate toward women and the indoctrination of insecure boys, thinking this is how they should treat women. The therapist in me is empathetic that these men are just traumatised and wounded little boys who didn’t receive unconditional love and healthy support in their childhood. That these men have so much repressed pain that they want others to be in pain.

But as an adult who has faced her own demons and sought therapy to heal, grow, and be a better human, it’s time these grown men have a good look at themselves and their beliefs around women and relationships. It’s time they stop making excuses, projecting their insecurities, and blaming everyone for what’s happening in their lives.

It’s time to pack up your microphone. Stop your podcasts. Put away your whiteboard.

It’s time to be a real man and go to therapy.

“Men should be allowed to feel. They should be encouraged to talk about their feelings. The pain isn’t limited to the female gender alone. It’s time to stop raising boys who are not allowed to cry. It’s time to stop telling boys to ‘man up’. Men also get confused. They also need a shoulder and some kind words. Men also deserve therapy.” ~ Oluwatoyosi Adesuyi

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