“Whether it’s science or magic, if it’s of fun benefit, enjoy!” ~ ed
We are all on a quest of seeking. Whether we are seeking knowledge, hidden truths, answers, solutions, reasoning as to why things are happening, a soulmate, our life partner, happiness, fulfillment, our purpose.
Many of us don’t truly even know how to be with what is without needing to find what’s missing or lacking. It’s the nature of the mind and our human counterpart as souls to seek, though.
Especially when something is awry in our internal or external world, the seeking mind goes into overdrive. Must. Find. Solution. And. Answer. To. End. Suffering. Now.
The masculine energy in all of us, woman, man, non-binary identifying, has long been the source of hyper-overdrive. Pushing. Forcing. Poking. Prodding. Fix. Fix. Fix. Must repair what’s broken now. But, this state of hypervigilance may in fact be why we are sick or dis-eased in the first place, as an individual or as a global community.
We are and have been in a pressure tank, told over and over that some external “threat” is out to get us, whether it be a virus, a terrorist group, a collapsing economy, an armed shooter, or possibly more insidiously so, an inner sense of threat from the poison in our food, the toxins in our air, the chemicals, parasites, and molds all around. Chronic illness is high, and we keep getting sicker.
We use language to breed fear and fear to breed language that makes us more sick. How we speak on such things perpetuates energetically our state of being. Words have power and we all use them sometimes to speak fear deeper into our cells and bodies.
This is the cycle of chronic disease. An unknown ailment. A felt disturbance in the body. An undiagnosed or misunderstood pathology. Then the mental ailments: anxiety, depression, insomnia, paranoia, social withdrawal, and isolation. We seek so desperately to be seen in our struggle and pain and yet fear exposing the frailty and vulnerability of the state we are in.
We forget who we are. We lose sight of hope. We wonder if we will ever be “normal” again. The amount of life illness takes from us is a burden we never thought we’d have to carry. And the grief and guilt of not being able to just enjoy our lives because we are still suffering.
We begin to wonder: is it the unprocessed trauma that’s ruling it all? Or the lack of felt safety in our body and being because we have felt under attack for so long? Perhaps both. And yet an energy of “under attack” has been the mode of operation in our mental realm for so long: we voice and shout loudly or quietly toward the body and self, “What’s wrong with you?! Why can’t you be different? You are broken! You are unworthy of receiving love and care unless you are different than how you are.”
Attack. Attack. Attack. Whether in wars external or wars internal, it’s all the same. Do not forget this noble truth. This hidden sage wisdom. As we find peace within the warring selves and parts, so too shall the world find peace. We can rage all day long at the injustices, the atrocities, but are we becoming warriors of dysregulation or warriors of peace by regulating our energy and selves as best we possibly can to start to set the template for the world to follow? This is not to say anger should be repressed. Or grief bypassed. But can we remember that the healing always, always, always begins and ends with us?
There’s healthy masculine energy and toxic. There’s healthy feminine energy and toxic. The toxic masculine energy of abuse, harm, affliction, violence, attack, and manslaughter is within all of us, to varying extents. We all have been assimilated into systems and families of afflicted and pained masculine energy. A warring father. A volatile home life. An external violence, lack of safety, and anger we digested into our bodies and beings, but we are now being asked to go to the root, to uproot the sickness in this energy and purify it back to source.
We learned ways to cope with the inner violence: addictions up the wazoo, escape, escape, please god let me escape this feeling, this crushing weight of deep, core, self-attack and self-rejection.
This is the energy we have been steeped in, during Scorpio season, a time of deep as f*ck self-reflection, by showing us the sh*t, the subconscious energy ruling our lives. The unprocessed pain and emotions we are still terrified to feel because we haven’t yet practiced feeling safe in our bodies. We can only feel as deeply as we feel safe to.
Scorpio season was intense as all seasons in these dark waters of Scorpio usually are. It felt eclipse-like, jaded and shard edges of sting, remnant cycles we thought we were moving on from. We had to go back to energies we thought we had cleared. We may have felt the heaviness of depression. The not wanting to go on. To give up. To retract back into the darkness.
We had that new moon in Scorpio on November 13, which brought up the first sliver of this warring Mars, i.e. imbalanced masculine energy, and also felt eclipse-like in that Scorpio energy that has been with us for some time now, clearing, transmuting, and healing on deep, core levels of our attachments. It was a new moon that felt more like a full moon. And we are still integrating these energies.
We are now moving into Sagittarius season though, on November 22. A time to rise like the phoenix from the ashes of fire. And, yet, we are still finding our wings, amidst so much deep pain and deep processing. It’s not a one-stop, full sweep all is healed and whole finale. It’s another layer. And then we meet another. A journey into the darkness to be propelled deeper into our light. Sagittarius is the fire. The cauldron. The passion. The life force. The energy of coming alive. Awakening. Invigorating us. But please give yourself time, space, and so much grace if and when you still feel the aches of emotional distress and discord. No direct path but always a spiral of seeing, knowing, and deepening. Let your healing be that and not make any of it wrong or you at fault for not being healed yet.
At the very least, we can allow this Sagittarius energy to remind us of the freedom we are craving and how worthy of a target that still is. Even if we still feel shackled to the choices and karma of the past. To remember freedom is a state of being, not a state of destination. To be truly free is to know we are already free on a soul level. Free from our attachments and traumas and pains. We are not them. Our identity is not tied to these things, fleeting they are, but chronic they feel.
We are not the body or mind that is in a state of dis-ease. Of course, we can work to bring more divinity and healing to those parts of us, but we suffer mostly because we are identifying as the pain, as the chronic illness, as the mental illness. Freedom is knowing our deep capacity beyond those things. All a part of us and this human experience but not the wholeness of who we are. Freedom is our birthright and the birthright of all sovereign remembering beings. And all we need to do is remember.
Masculine energy in its imbalance seeks to dominate, have power over something or someone and control. We all have this energy within us to some extent, usually to the extent we felt unsafe around masculine energy as children or rather not shown someone embodied and healthy in their own masculine energy. So it got thwarted. And we learned ways to dominate and repress our own emotional energy, to control our bodies and beings with force and punishment. It’s not our fault we developed these ways of digesting toxic and imbalanced masculinity. We were just doing our best to make sense of this dis-ease, of the sickness. One that has probably been handed down in the family lineage for eons, masking itself as hyper-productivity, external success while the internal world within us was suffering deeply, or hyper-individuation and independence.
We will be exploring more of these energies for the upcoming full moon in Gemini on November 27 at 4:16 a.m. EST, landing at 5 degrees of the air sign. Gemini energy is Sagittarius’ counterpart. Its opposite. Gemini is associated with The Lovers card in Tarot. It is the matching of energies between partners. A relationship. The inner duality. The dual nature of self. The choices and options we always have. Man and woman in union with other.
Gemini is about knowing and understanding that life is inherently dual in nature. We experience joy to know grief. We know hopelessness to remember faith. We know dis-ease to restore and know how to bridge healing. We are not one thing. We are many things. We are teacher and student. We are inner child and higher self. We are sick and we are healed.
Gemini energy is quick, fast, fast in speech, and quick in mind. Ideas are always churning in this Mercurial sign. Ruled by Mercury, the mind rarely takes a day off to rest. Gemini energy can be fun, playful, humorous, and also, sullen, depressed, and despondent. The dual emotions and moods are constant. Gemini energy is the energy of learning new skills, new hobbies, accumulating new knowledge, and understanding new ways of being.
This Gemini full moon is hot with the energy of fire. It is opposing Mars, now in Sagittarius. A highlighting energy here yet again on our masculine energy. Of the warrior self. Are we acting out impulsively from our anger, or are we taking time and space to dig deep into the roots of the anger?
Our emotions may feel hot and heated with this aspect. Our minds may be buzzing with the need to find someone or something to blame for our anger. Even if that anger has been self-directed—because perhaps we felt safer expressing the anger internally rather than externally, but really though, it’s the energy of repression. So now the blade of anger has been self-directed for so long, we wonder how to even safely express anger in ways that don’t harm self or other. This is a time to explore our relationship to anger. And find healthy ways to express, not repress.
The sun will be conjunct Mars here also. A time for our conscious selves to step outside from identifying as the warring, afflicted self. To disentangle our egos from these wornout identities of self. To come into healthy relationship with our egos from a place of sacred containment and healthy boundary setting with self or other. Boundaries are often the most loving act for self and other. Learning to say, “No, I will not allow this energy to enter my sacred heart and harm me anymore without my permission.”
Saying no to the habits, addictions, and subtle and overt ways of self-harm because we know that is the most loving act for and toward ourselves. And to have so much grace for the self still trying to get their needs met through these addictions. Because we still are learning how to listen to and honor the unmet needs. We are becoming conscious of the masculine energy within that needs balancing and tempering here.
Both the sun and moon will be square to Saturn. A tough love energy. The inner father. A karmic lesson. We can’t keep playing victim to the harm we are inflicting upon the self. We can’t keep playing victim to the beliefs we are harboring that keep us stuck in cycles of pain and trauma. We can kindly, lovingly, and firmly take our own hands and walk toward that next, wisest, and healthiest step even if our traumas are screaming at us to run back to the safety (but really not safe zone) of comfort and self-harm.
Saturn is wise and we must heed our own wisdom here. We don’t want to keep repeating the lessons we are so ready to move on from. So let the lesson be illuminated but know that this is a choice point. Let the Gemini energy of choice remind you that you always have a choice, that you are always one step away from a new energy. You are not destined to suffer. You can make a new choice. We can ask ourselves in any moment: what is the next best, healthiest, and wisest choice I can make for myself?
This might mean not going for a run because your nervous system is fried and adrenals running on fumes. This might mean not letting your mind run rampant with fears, stories of what’s wrong with you, and subtle and overt attacks on self. This might mean feeling and honoring your body’s hunger and fullness cues. This might mean getting curious about the real hunger and unmet need beneath the craving for food, alcohol, or escape. This might mean being so kind to yourself and where you are right now. This might mean shifting your default perspective and mental habits of doom and gloom, of focusing on what’s wrong and as a result going deeper into a state of disregulation. This might mean to shift and start to reprogram your mind and heal your nervous system with safety by focusing on what’s actually going right in this moment and in your body and how much support and resources are available for you right now. This might mean kindly taking yourself outside to nature even if the depression, low self-esteem, chronic illness, or poor body image is telling your to put up the darkened curtains and hide away instead. And sometimes this might mean deciding to gift yourself a time in the cocoon of darkness also.
Let yourself be and let yourself breathe in the fullness of all that you are learning to let yourself be. Not one shade or color. But many. Let yourself learn a new way of being by not being perfect at it. But by being willing to learn and try something new.
This full moon is a time to ask questions without the need to have one answer. A time to let your mind expand into possibility of an outcome not yet seen. Of getting curious about yourself and your process. Of finding levity in connection and play with the mind and language with another. Of reprogramming the masculine energy within you with words of safety, words to calm, words to soothe, and words to remind. You are safe. You are safe to drop the fight. You are safe to be in the stillness of non-doing. You are safe to drop your defenses.
You. Are. Safe. Here. So find safety. Remember freedom. Be in the process of your becoming so fully without making any of it wrong. Even the you wanting to make something wrong. You are not wrong. You are not a mistake. Your dis-ease is not a goof up or an oversight, a f*ck up that went terribly wrong. You are not a f*ck up that went wrong. You are a sacred light. A sacred, most precious soul. Learning how to be human. Learning how to be. Human. Soul. Complex. Nuanced. And so very sacred.
Let. Yourself. Surrender. To. The. Sacred. In. The Dual. Form. Formless. And let this remembrance remind you of your goodness no matter what stage of healing you find yourself in in each given moment. Sacred, Sacred, Sacred. Soul. You. Are.