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February 14, 2024

5 Things I Can’t Wait to Hear from my Man.

In honor of Valentine’s Day, I wrote the following—a list of the top five things I envision my future partner saying to me.

One could say it’s a version of a love letter to myself.

Before I share it, I want to say something that I hope will also be meaningful to others, and that is this:

The past does not dictate the future.

We always have a chance to move beyond, to graduate from old ways of being, to molt, to evolve, to come into wholeness.

I did not see healthy, connected love relationship role-modeled when I was growing up.

Most of my clients did not see healthy, connected love relationships role-modeled either.

However, I do not believe that means that I (or they) must repeat the same pattern.

In fact, in this lifetime, I believe that part of what I’m meant to do here on the planet is to be happy in partnership.

I envision a love relationship that is stable, uplifting, grounding, passionate, safe, conscious, and magnificent.

I envision a partner who enjoys taking care of me and watching how lit up and radiant I am when he does so.

I envision being vocal and ardent in my appreciation of him in the ways he loves me well.

I envision a partner with whom I experience in my body what it is to be both in love and to have two feet on the ground at the same time.

Here are five things I’m excited to hear from my man:

1. Mel, I love all your parts.

I love your young parts. I love that you love them too. I love when you’re silly, or when your little girl comes out and you make that cute face that I can’t help but to smile at.

And yes, before you ask, I love your sharp parts too. Of course it’s not my favorite thing when you’re moody or irritable, but it’s you. It’s honest. And I know you don’t show that side to many people, so I feel kind of special when it happens—like I’m really on the inside here. I’m really her partner.

I deeply appreciate that you have space for all of my parts too. I feel accepted by you, even in my insecurity or my fear or my hesitation.

I like that we’re able to be honest and bring all of our parts to one another and help each other integrate them even more. I believe that’s part of why we’re together, and I’m proud of us for what we’ve built and what we continue to build. How we really are growing—as individuals and together.

2. I feel calm and at ease about living together.

I know there are parts of you that are deeply concerned about this. I know there are parts that worry that I’ll turn into a monster at some point and be totally incapable of repair. I know those are scared, young parts that just need some time to catch up to the fact that I am, in fact, not your chaotic parent.

I’m not worried about us and repair. I know that we’ll be able to weather whatever comes up—and I know that if we need help, we will get it.

I want to repeat that last part because I know you find it especially soothing: If we run into something big during the course of our marriage and we’re struggling to work with some material, we will get help.

If it’s a grief specialist, we’ll do that. If we feel called to do MDMA-assisted couple’s therapy, we’ll do that. Whatever it is, we will do it together. And I promise to be involved and help take the lead around this. You won’t have to figure it all out yourself.

I also promise to always reach out to you. I promise to make the effort, to frequently generate the space within which we can connect and repair.

3. I adore you.

I cherish you. I find you completely adorable. I think it’s funny (not in a mocking way) when you stress out about things. I don’t mind reassuring you; it’s easy.

You’re also clear about what you need and what works for you—body and soul—which I love. It means that I don’t have to guess.

It’s easy to love you well, and I love doing it.

Reality check: You’re easy to relate with, Mel. You’re receptive and open. You listen and you share. You’re self-aware and you try really hard to not close off. I see it. I see how hard you work to stay connected, to not shut down. I love that you express yourself so clearly and consistently. It doesn’t bother me that sometimes I have to ask you if something’s going on for you, because you’re good about telling me at that point.

It’s okay that you need a little help there—that sometimes you get quiet and you need me to ask.

I’m lucky to get to be with you, really. You’re lovely and clever and funny and witty and wonderful. I love being in a relationship with you. You’re a steady partner. I can feel your loyalty and devotion.

I know you’re still working on some things, and so am I. That’s part of what we’re doing here, right? It’s okay that we don’t have everything figured out. We have enough.

4. Bring it on.

Whatever emotions you’ve got, I want to feel them. I can handle it.

Part of the reason I’ve done as much personal growth work as I have is to be able to be a safe container for you.

I find it exciting when you have big feelings. It brings me right into the present moment. Please don’t feel like you have to dumb them down or say the perfect thing or make it all pretty before letting loose. I’m not saying go insane on me, but I do want to feel your heart.

I want to know what’s going on, and I want you to feel safe to be messy.

5. I want to know—especially when it’s irrational.

You’ve said that it’s hardest for you to share your feelings when you feel like you don’t have the “right” to them—like they don’t make sense. You “shouldn’t” feel dropped that I was late; you “shouldn’t” feel left out that I didn’t text you back for hours; you “shouldn’t” feel annoyed about that little thing that I did.

When you feel like something you’re feeling is irrational, you’ve said you try to suppress it.

We both know that doesn’t work, and what I’m trying to say here is that I actually want to hear about your irrational feelings. I want to make it safe for your teenager parts, or your eight-year-old part, or your three-year-old part to share in an uninhibited way.

I want them to feel like they can be angry at me about something silly, or resentful about something I did when I was trying to be helpful.

I welcome all of it.

Bring all of it in exactly the way that feels true and authentic, and trust that once the expression has been fully expressed, our adult selves will be able to make decisions from there.

Listen, we’re in this thing together.

We’re a team now—a team that sometimes elicits outside assistance to be as strong and effective as we can be.

I’m thrilled that we found each other this lifetime and that we get to be on this crazy Earth ride together. I’ve been waiting for someone like you and I’m elated that we’re together now.

I love you.

~

Note: After writing this I found myself intensely curious to hear from you. What do you crave hearing from your partner if you’re partnered, or fantasize hearing from your future partner (if that’s relevant to you)?

I’m especially curious to hear from you if you’re a man who’s attracted to women. As a sex and relationship coach for men who are attracted to women, I’m endlessly fascinated by your perspective.

I put together a brief survey for those willing to share, and I’d love to hear from you:

Here it is.

If I get enough responses, I plan to write a follow-up!

~

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