March 25, 2024

A Simple Exercise to Help us Deal with Anger, Jealousy, Impatience & Hatred.

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“Anger, jealousy, impatience, and hatred are the real troublemakers; with them, problems cannot be solved.” ~ The Dalai Lama


They may not be the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, but they are certainly dangerous and can threaten to topple any relationship, no matter how grounded and rooted in love.

Anger, jealousy, impatience, and hatred, as the Dalai Lama says, are “the real troublemakers” in life.

By nature, I am all of the above: angry, jealous, impatient, and can be full of hatred for any number of people or things. It’s just how I was born and how I come programmed—”intense” is a word I heard a lot growing up.

I have had to learn to root these things out in myself, like a pig sniffing out truffles. I’ve learned that these traits exist in me, more often than not, when I’m in a state of blame. When I’m pointing the finger at someone or something out there, I cannot see my part—my complicity—in any relationship.

I’ve also learned that it’s not my fault; I’m not different or defective. These are common human experiences. We all live with them to one degree or another. This classic blame/shame/guilt trifecta is, I’ve been told, a trauma response. It’s something we learned early on in life and everyone alive today deals with it in some regard.

Take out a piece of paper and a pen. Right now. Make two columns. In the left column, write “top 10.” Then, without thinking about it too much, make a list of all the things or people you hate, feel angry at, or feel jealous about. What are the situations you feel impatience over? Write it all out…no one will see this but you.

Then, in a column next to it, write “my part.”

This is where you get to ask yourself, how do I relate to this person, institution, or situation?

See what surfaces. It might surprise you. Sometimes the very people I am most angry at or jealous of represent the disowned parts of myself.

Ask: how have I been __________? Fill in the blank. “Rude,” “judgmental,” “disrespectful,” “greedy,” “self-righteous,” whatever it is, just notice what surfaces, without judgment.

Just by paying attention something usually shifts.


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