April 1, 2024

{April Fool’s} Boulder City Council vote was rigged: Waylon Lewis would have won vs. I.M. Nymbee.

April Fool’s!

Only days after it was revealed that Gore would have officially won the vote count in Florida if the count had been allowed to continue, a more local, small-time scandal has erupted. Waylon Lewis, board member of Parks & Rec, would have won his campaign for Boulder City Council if not for a strange number of ballots marked “Trump” or “RFK Jr.” or “Putin is my hero” or “Fauci ouchy” that were dropped off, en masse, at the Elections office.

“This makes sense,” Waylon said, “since everyone thought I was going to win and I ran an incredible campaign and had the support of my mother.”

In a first, Boulder will hold a new special election and Waylon will head to a runoff against I.M. Nymbee, a tech billionaire and self-proclaimed Nimby (“‘N’ stands for ‘Never'”) who would like to lower building heights to 10 feet, legally restrict our population to 55,000 as measured by affluence, mandate bigger parking lots, partner with Elon to bring X/Twitter beamed onto the Flatirons at all hours, outlaw pickleball, turn our swimming pools into storage for plastic waste and outlaw composting, and save the dozens of dollars we spend on protected bike lanes each year by spending instead on Amazon prime memberships for the 1% who just can’t be bothered to shop or dine locally.

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