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“Why do I choose the bear? Men, this is a hypothetical question and you still won’t take no for an answer.” ~ Unknown

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For those of you who are unaware, the hypothetical question asked was, “Would you rather be trapped in the woods with a bear or a man?” and the resounding answer all over social media was: a bear.

There are men who understand this and also choose the bear when asked who they would choose if their daughter was trapped in the woods. And there are men who are aghast. Angry. Livid. Dumbfounded at this choice. But most of all pissed off that they aren’t being chosen. That women would have the audacity to choose a bear.

I mean they are angry enough about the cats, and now we’re choosing bears.

I write partly in jest, but there is truth and seriousness behind my words. Behind why these choices are being made. Behind why this is trending, and it’s something that men need to try and understand. The men who are angered and triggered by this are the very reason why these choices are being made. Are the very men who the cat and the bear are being chosen over.

They represent two important things to us women. The cat represents our peace and the bear represents our safety. If you are going to interrupt our peace, we will choose the cat. If you are going make us feel unsafe, we are going to choose the bear. It’s not really complicated, nor is it literal. It’s our metaphorical choice. And you don’t get to decide how we feel or why we are making these choices. You don’t get to deem what brings us peace and you don’t get to tell us we have no reason to fear our safety. Because you are not us. And your experiences are not our experiences.

And before we all get our knickers in a twist. This is not all men. And this is not all women. But it is many men and it is many women.

Social media is filled with a group of men, the red pill culture, who don’t see women as human beings. These men brand themselves as relationship coaches or experts in attracting women and are all about training young men on how to abuse women. Of course they don’t market it this way, but that’s what it is. The bizarre thing is most of them are single or only attract short-term relationships. And most of them are angry. Bitter. Resentful. And in need of therapy but instead choose a microphone and start projecting their insecurities, hatred, and woes out into the world, like a volcano erupting and spewing out lava.

Here are some of the things they speak of:

>> Grooming: the belief that women are used up by the age of 30 and all men should strive to get a woman between 18-25 (let’s call it the Leonardo Dicaprio syndrome). Trust me, some of these guys would go younger if it were legal.

>> Men age like fine wine: according to them, men well into their 40s, 50s, and 60s are a catch and can quite easily attract a teenager (because, let’s be honest, that’s what an 18-year-old is). Apparently, all young women, I mean girls, want a partner old enough to be their father.

>> Rape and sexual assault culture: there are several of these men who indirectly encourage rape culture. No doesn’t always mean no. Don’t accept rejection. Be persistent until she changes her mind. Women in clubs and bars are all there to get the attention of men. They teach ways to inappropriately touch women. To expect sex for paying for a date.

>> Single Women: are left on the shelf. The unchosen ones. They simply cannot understand that some women are happy this way. Their belief is everything a woman does or wears is to attract a man. These men cannot be alone so apparently neither can women. And these men are internally raging that women are not choosing them.

>> Women are child breeding vessels: all women should have kids and if they don’t they are selfish and useless. Women have been put on Earth to breed. They see us as incubators. Hello “Handmaid’s Tale.”

>> Women need to choose better: so when a woman is attacked, raped, or murdered, they should have chosen better. Let’s not put the responsibility on the men who do these things. Nope, it’s the woman who is somehow to blame. She picked the wrong man. She wore the wrong outfit. She said the wrong thing. She was in the wrong place. She had too much to drink. She didn’t give him what he wanted, so he took it, because, after all, she led him on.

Can you see why some women are choosing the bear and/or the cat?

I know there will be people reading this appalled at my words. Horrified that a woman doesn’t get up in the morning with the sole purpose of attracting or pleasing a man. That some women are choosing the bear because, in all honesty, the bear is a safer option. And some women are choosing the cat because their peace is too important to trust in the hands of someone else.

How dare a woman be so bold as to make the right choices for herself. How dare a woman have the confidence to think for herself. How dare a woman believe she, too, is a human being with autonomy. How dare a woman think she is allowed the same freedoms as a man. Imagine the ballsiness of a woman who isn’t spending every minute of every day focused on how she can please a man. Because, let’s be honest, that is not how man set things up.

But guess what? It’s not all about men.

There will be the incoherent babbling by some that “it’s all feminism’s fault.” Before feminism, women did what they were told. They didn’t have the freedom of choice they now have, and if we’re honest, women were second-class citizens. Perfect world for the misogynistic men. So steeped in the patriarchy, they are blinded to anything but their closed-minded conditioning. Unable to comprehend that the true essence of feminism is choice for women. And there lies the problem: some men do not want women being independent with the ability to make choices for themselves. Some men want to wallow in their toxicity rather than step up and make changes.

I have seen much commentary around the man versus bear and women choosing cats from men who just cannot comprehend it. Some of the questions and statements are: “Why are women so insecure and fearful? Women don’t choose cats; it’s because nobody wants them.”

It’s perplexing to me that nobody seeks to understand what has happened to women so that they would rather be trapped with a bear than a man. What has happened to women so that they would rather be alone with a cat. If I were a man, I would be reflecting on men as a whole, and instead of becoming defensive and even nasty, I would be seeking to understand what has happened and is happening to make women feel this way. Instead of taking everything as a personal insult and becoming verbally abusive, I would check my own behaviour to see if I am part of the problem.

If I am a man reading this and my first thought is to degrade the woman, try and intimidate, mock, mansplain, or invalidate her feelings—I am the reason she’s choosing the bear and the cat. If I am a man reading this and I am flippant about why a woman feels unsafe—I am the reason she is choosing the bear. If I am a man reading this and I don’t see women as an equal human being to me—I am the reason she is choosing the bear.

If I am a man reading this and I think it’s perfectly okay to harass a woman, expect sex, refuse to take no for an answer, play games, and teach her a lesson—I am the reason she’s choosing the bear. If I am a man who likes to tell women they are for the streets, run through, 304s, and any other insulting bullsh*t name—I am the reason she is choosing the bear. If I am a man who likes to wolf whistle, stare inappropriately, touch without permission, follow women, send dick pics, and belittle her when I get dismissed or rejected—I am the reason she’s choosing the bear. And if I am a man reading this and do none of these things but know men who do and I don’t stop it—I am the reason she’s choosing the bear.

If I am a man who just read this and still cannot fathom why a woman would choose a bear, who cannot for one minute empathise with how women are treated, who cannot see we have a real problem here—I am the reason she’s choosing the bear.

Please, don’t be the reason she chose the bear.

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