{*Did you know you can write on Elephant? Here’s how—big changes: How to Write & Make Money or at least Be of Benefit on Elephant. ~ Waylon}

 

“Would you like some salad?”

My friend asked her husband while holding the bowl of salad on top of his empty plate.

“Yes, please,” he responded with a kind smile.

“Of course…well, at least I think of you. You always serve yourself first. You never serve me.”

Whoa.

Upon hearing their conversation, I could feel her bitterness and his defensiveness. And, to be honest, I thought it was kinda rude to tell him that.

A few minutes later, I zoned out and stopped in my tracks when I thought about my own relationship. The truth is I was guilty too.

Although my husband and I are happily married, every now and then we find ourselves stuck in the “you always” loop.

I have thought about all the accusations I make, knowing that they’re not entirely true.

Why do I do that? Why does my friend do that? Why do you (most likely) do that too? It’s more complicated than we think.

During a fight, when our nervous system is responding to external stressors, we might employ words or statements that convey what we are feeling. Sadly, those words aren’t always kind or thoughtful. Most of the time they’re harsh and they hurt others.

The “you always” statement is one of the things we have grown accustomed to saying when we want to accentuate our point of view. Although I try to make my communication style as healthy as possible, I can’t always regulate my nervous system when I’m triggered or attacked—which is normal and common.

So the only way for my mind to make sure that it’s being heard and validated is to throw a negative sentiment that, more often than not, causes an unexpected shitstorm.

I know you’ve been there too. We all know when the “you always” statement seems like the only way to feel safe and validated.

The truth is when we address our partner with words that are often exaggerated and definite, we are trying to express our anger or frustration. Though those words don’t always represent the truth and they’re not absolute, our partner might believe them when their nervous system is under attack.

My friend’s husband might have offered her some salad a few times before. Maybe he hasn’t, but I’m sure he has done many other things that make him one of a kind. But since my friend wants him to think of her, she has accused him of being selfish, which, in her opinion, might have been the only way to send her message clearly, once and for all.

Unfortunately, those kinds of accusations almost always end with a fruitless argument. With time, they might even break a relationship if a partner keeps feeling shame and guilt.

What to do then when our words hurt the other person? We reevaluate our accusations because they’re not always true.

My friend’s assumption might have sounded rude to me, but as a matter of fact, she was trying to communicate an unmet need.

The same is true in my own marriage. When I use the “you always” statement, what I’m really trying to say is “please do that for me.” But I never say it because it’s easier to attack than to sound vulnerable or helpless.

Asking for what we need in our relationship isn’t entirely normalized. We have grown accustomed to reading minds, repeating the same old fights, and “maybe” getting what we want.

In this case, a more effective approach would be to communicate clearly what we really, really want.

So before saying “you always…,” we need to ask ourselves what we are expecting from our partner. Do we want them to listen more often? Do we want more presence? More sex? More intimacy?

What do we want?

Ask yourself that question today.

~