View this post on Instagram

{*Did you know you can write on Elephant? Here’s how—big changes: How to Write & Make Money or at least Be of Benefit on Elephant. ~ Waylon}
~

“This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I give myself the compassion I need.” ~ Kristin Neff
~

As I approach 41, I feel compelled to share the lessons I’ve learned after facing the upheavals of this past year—a year that deepened my understanding of the ways we are intrinsically linked as people, uncovered the complex interplay of pain and strength, and exposed the layers of trauma and recovery that define life.

The past few years have been devoted to healing, but the last year, especially the last five months, has been particularly crucial. I’ve stumbled along the way to meaningful change, acknowledging and appreciating even small wins. I’ve reflected, grown, and confronted a deep emotional ordeal that challenged my sense of self and exposed unhealed wounds.

In the wake of this period of intense struggle, I’ve discovered how self-compassion reshaped the way I see myself.

In 2023, I wrote about embracing my 40s and making this decade a time of becoming closer to myself and truly feeling at home in my skin. The lessons came in ways I didn’t anticipate. I faced challenges but embraced the lessons they brought. I can now say that I am more at ease with who I am.

I traveled, met beautiful souls, watched clouds become rain, rain filling rivers, and rivers merging with the sea. Aren’t our lives entwined, each one touching another?

We belong to one another, as much as we belong to our own true self, and the day we truly grasp this, we may accept our flaws and strengths with a quieter heart. Unfortunately, we’re not taught to think this way. We’re rarely encouraged to be kind to ourselves or to treat ourselves with the same compassion we offer others.

Self-preservation is often shamed and shunned. Even empathy, something we develop for others, has never truly been cultivated for the self. And that in itself is trauma. But here’s the truth: our journeys may differ, but we’re all walking the same path toward healing.

As a human race, we’ve struggled with self-compassion, but I am hopeful that we will learn and grow.

The Potency of Self-Compassion

Let me share an experience that brought me closer to self-compassion. It was May, and I was on an early morning hike to Mt. Seorak in South Korea’s Seoraksan National Park. Before starting the trails, I visited the Sinheungsa Temple, home to the towering Bronze Statue of Seokgamoni-bul.

May is an auspicious time in South Korea, with the country celebrating Buddha’s birthday on May 15. Everywhere, colorful lanterns marked the preparations for the big day.

After finishing my prayers and assisting the temple staff with some of the preparations, I was walking down the stairs when I heard a voice call out, “Sillyehabnida (Excuse me).” I turned to see a temple volunteer, an elderly woman, approaching, holding a packet in her hand. She handed me two onyx and agate bracelets, gently placed my palm in hers, and simply said, “Be kind to yourself.”

In that instant, something within me shifted. Her gentle words stirred emotions I hadn’t realized were so close to the surface, and I let them flow freely—a rush of feelings I couldn’t hold back.

Kneeling on the ground, I wept—tears carrying the weight of pain and loss I had held onto for so long. It was a release unlike any other, and in the solitude of that mountain range, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace wash over me. I felt my raw humanity more clearly than ever. As I stood up and continued my hike, including a trek to Daecheongbong, the highest peak of Seoraksan, I was guided by a newfound clarity that carried me through the trails and back down again.

Sometimes, chance moments reveal parts of ourselves we didn’t know. It’s not about seeking truth; it’s about immersing and allowing ourselves to be fully in that moment. In that moment of self-compassion, I truly understood what it meant to just be.

For me, self-compassion means feeling every emotion in the depths of despair and grief. It’s what you would offer to anyone else, but this time, all the compassion is directed inward. I realized that pain and suffering are universal, and there’s no running away from it.

Lessons in Self-Compassion

This experience marked a turning point in my journey. And it taught me a few lessons in self-compassion—lessons that continue to guide my healing. Some of these may be known, but we all need reminders:

>> We are a kaleidoscope of trauma and resilience.

>> We can’t change what’s beyond our control, but we can shift our perception and its impact.

>> Pain and joy share the same space, and recognizing this can deepen our compassion.

>> Art as a means of self-expression connects us to a broader sense of humanity.

>> Self-compassion helps us recover from deep-seated wounds and recurring patterns, reinforcing our boundaries and nurturing our well-being.

Influences on my Journey to Self-Compassion

Two authors who have deeply influenced my understanding of self-compassion are Kristin Neff and Richard C. Schwartz. Kristin Neff’s pioneering work on self-compassion taught me to treat myself with the same kindness and care I would offer a friend. Her exercises and meditations have been a guide through the most challenging times, helping me to cultivate a more gentle and forgiving relationship with myself.

Richard C. Schwartz, the founder of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, has provided profound insights into understanding the different parts of myself. His approach helped me see my inner critic not as an enemy, but as a protector needing compassion and understanding. This shift in perspective has been crucial in my healing journey, allowing me to integrate all parts of myself with empathy and care.

Four Practical Ways to Practice Self-Compassion

Here are four ways we can gradually practice self-compassion and turn the needle inward. These fall under the category of somatic therapy, or healing that is safe to be practiced by ourselves and on ourselves.

1. Speak to yourself aloud

When waves of anxiousness, self-doubt, anger, or sadness hit you like a boulder, take a deep breath and notice them. If you’re alone, you may consider talking to yourself aloud and to those parts that are trying to protect you from feeling your feelings. Tell yourself in the kindest way possible that it’s okay. “It is okay to be where I am, to feel what I am feeling. My pain is valid, and so is everybody else’s. I am not alone. I am who I am meant to be.” Say anything that is gentle and kind to yourself, even to those parts that feel self-limiting.

2. Embrace yourself physically

There are several ways to do this, and you can choose what works best for you. I suggest a couple of methods here: Hold yourself as you would hold a loved one in distress. Wrap your arms around yourself and slowly move your palm over your back, your neck, and if you find it helpful, touch your arms. This grounds you and brings you back to the moment, and it also works well when you are in fight, flight, freeze, or even fawn mode. You may also want to try what Neff recommends in her book, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, which is to rock yourself gently while holding yourself.

3. Notice and release tension

Where do you feel tension or discomfort in your body when your inner critic takes over? What is it saying to you? Locate it, sit with it, notice it, hold it for some time, and then release—but release like you mean it. Let go of that tightness.

4. Give your heart some love

Try giving your heart the love it gives you to keep going. That heart is resilient. Gently place your palm on your heart, breathe, and stay there as long as you want.

When you feel ready, write it all down. Just write it.

The Ongoing Nature of Healing

In my journey of self-discovery, I’ve found that healing unfolds in unpredictable ways, with its own pace and rhythm. It’s not about reaching a final destination but about continuously tending to our inner world and embracing growth.

Even as we address and heal past wounds, new challenges and pain will emerge. Suffering is a part of being human, influenced by both personal experiences and inherited traumas. We are constantly working toward breaking harmful patterns that emerge from past trauma, but at the same time we are developing the resilience to manage our emotional well-being as we face life’s ongoing trials.

This understanding has taught me that self-compassion needs to be a regular practice. Healing isn’t about achieving a state of permanent peace, and each challenge is a part of the larger journey. Nurturing our inner strength through compassionate self-care is key.

May you always be the first one you turn to when things get difficult. Be kind to yourself, always.

~

Please consider Boosting our authors’ articles in their first week to help them win Elephant’s Ecosystem so they can get paid and write more.

~