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We all have some common complaints about our partner.

Some are silly; others are big.

But the ones that are huge and might sabotage our relationship are often said to their face. We might repeat them over time and subconsciously keep the message behind them as vague as possible.

I’m not someone who usually complains; still, I find myself complaining to my partner sometimes. You, like me, might not be a complainer either. And, like me, you might find it shocking when you catch yourself in the middle of an ugly shitstorm of complaints and wonder how the hell you ended up there again.

Nobody likes a negative interaction. Sometimes no matter how hard I try to maintain a healthy, positive conversation with my husband, I have a slip of the tongue then act as if nothing has happened so (maybe) I could make up for my undesirable behavior.

If you do that too, it’s helpful to understand that the complaining method might not always be effective. All it does is stress partners out and harbor resentment with time.

Why do even happy couples do it though? Why do we resort to complaining when, obviously, there are more efficient ways to communicate?

The thing about complaints is that they’re usually repetitive. Especially if we’re dealing with a partner who is emotionally immature or hasn’t done the necessary inner work, we might trigger a defensive response and we might have to deal with rejection or criticism later.

Our partner might not feel the need to change when we attack them. That’s when a simple complaint transforms into a problematic conflict.

“You never take out the trash.”

“You forgot to call me again.”

“You’re so dismissive, you never listen to me.”

“Why do you always take things personally?”

“I hate that you’re on your phone all the time.”

Complaints in a relationship almost always sound harsh. And while we might think that the partner who complains is being naggy or needy or trying to find fault with their other half, the truth is there is always a bigger problem beneath the surface.

There’s a need that is hiding behind our harsh words that we’re likely worried to share with our partner. Vulnerability is scary, and so we’d rather get into a fight and look powerful than to address our needs with loving-kindness and risk getting rejected or being shamed.

On the surface, we all have a common need: to be heard and seen. We want validation and support. Deep inside, we have a personal need that is screaming for attention and recognition.

Here are some examples of the hidden messages behind our consistent complaints:

1. “You never take out the trash.”

What we’re trying to say:

“I feel hurt when you don’t keep your promises,” or “I feel hurt when you don’t help with household chores,” or “I need more help/support.”

2. “You forgot to call me again.”

What we’re trying to say:

“I like it when you check up on me,” or “I know you know that I’m fine, but I like to hear your voice to feel loved and safe.”

3. “You’re so dismissive, you never listen to me.”

What we’re trying to say:

“I don’t like it when you offer me unsolicited advice,” or “Sometimes I just need a hug and someone to hold space for me,” or “I like to have your full attention when we talk.”

4. “Why do you always take things personally?”

What we’re trying to say:

“I’d like you to be more fun,” or “Talk to me about how I may have hurt you.”

5. “I hate that you’re on your phone all the time.”

What we’re trying to say:

“I want you to be more present,” or “I crave some intimacy,” or “I feel unimportant.”

Those are a few examples of what our complaints hold at their core. When we struggle to communicate effectively, we complain as a way to be heard. But complaints are a recipe for disaster. They get in the way of intimacy, connection, and true love.

If we want to stop a complaint in its tracks, we need to dig deep within ourselves to find the need that we want our partner to meet. With the right choice of words, tone, and timing, we can consciously choose to communicate it instead of hinting at it through blame or hate.

Saying things upfront in a kind and empathetic way might help us to avoid any future clashes.

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