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Last week, a friend of mine triggered me during a conversation.

We were hanging out with some of our close friends when we talked about something that irritated me.

As my friend stated his point of view, I could feel my unpleasant reaction building in my body. My throat tightened and I clenched my jaw, repeatedly stopping myself from expressing my own point of view, which I know would trigger my friend too.

I couldn’t help myself. I had to respond, but before responding, I counted to 10. I wanted to get my idea across without hurting anybody’s feelings. Slowly moving into compassion, I responded with ease and calm while carefully examining every word I had uttered.

I knew my response triggered my friend too. However, we were both aware that we were overwhelmed and had consciously chosen to remain calm and respectful while tackling a sensitive topic. But doing that is not always easy or possible.

When someone triggers us, we usually lash out or pull away. Both of these reactions are unfavorable because the truth is we can’t get stuck in a reactive loop or, worse, pretend that we’re okay. Furthermore, these situations create misunderstandings and possible conflicts. So how we choose to handle them dictates whether we build resentment or peace.

The most obvious solution is to find a middle way—a way that is compassionate yet helps us to stand our ground without hurting the person who has caused the trigger. As a matter of fact, we can’t avoid triggers because they’re a big part of our human connections. They’re prone to happen with anyone, even (and especially) with our loved ones.

I have found that the best way to handle our deepest triggers is to ask ourselves these five questions:

1. Why are they triggered? When we’re triggered, the first thing we need to examine is the other person’s point of view. When someone activates intense emotions within us, it’s likely that they, too, have intense emotions within. Where do their words or actions come from? Sometimes when we pinpoint the reason that drives someone to behave a certain way, we automatically feel empathy toward them. So instead of acting on our trigger and possibly hurting them, we sympathize with them. To understand where they come from, we can visualize their past that has shaped the way they think, express, and live.

2. Why am I triggered? After trying to identify what has caused the other person to trigger us, we must think about why we are triggered. Although most triggers are unintentional, how we feel about them says a lot about the issues we still need to work on. Childhood traumas have a way of reappearing in our adult life, making us feel powerless. So ask yourself why you’re upset. Do you need to work on being more open-minded? Is your emotional reactivity a defense mechanism? Is there a rigid belief in your life that’s making you unhappy or hostile? Figure out the why before you say anything you might regret later.

3. What am I feeling right now? Pause and reflect. What emotions are coming up for you? The moment you feel the negative energy intensifying in your body, it is your sign to stop and investigate what you’re feeling. Oftentimes, when we label the emotions in our body, we calm down. Identifying our emotional states and naming them can have a powerful impact on our next thoughts and actions. Triggers often upset us because we don’t know why they’re happening and what exactly they’re generating within us. So when we’re able to label our feelings, we can process the situation and our feelings better.

4. How can I respond? One of the best ways to get out of our most common reactive patterns is to genuinely ask ourselves how we can respond to what’s happening. The truth is we rarely examine our actions when they’re fueled by anger or frustration. But if we give ourselves permission to choose how to react, we may in fact react differently. That’s how we take responsibility for our emotional reactions. By consciously choosing to do better, we may reduce the intensity of our misunderstandings and avoid overreacting. For instance, we may choose to be assertive while respecting the other’s point of view. Or, we may choose to pull away altogether.

5. Last but not least, is it worth it? I’ve come to realize that some triggers don’t require a reaction. We’re not supposed to act on every fight-or-flight response. Sometimes when our nervous system is threatened, it simply gets stuck in protection mode until we naturally calm down. C. JoyBell C. says, “Choose your battles wisely. After all, life isn’t measured by how many times you stood up to fight. It’s not winning battles that makes you happy, but it’s how many times you turned away and chose to look into a better direction. Life is too short to spend it on warring. Fight only the most, most, most important ones, let the rest go.”

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