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We all know a few things about communication.

Things like respect, active listening, empathy, and openness are some of the most common tips that therapists, life coaches, and friends actually give.

Those who are married or in a relationship know how great those things are. But they must also know how difficult it is to (sometimes) put them into action.

Listening to our partner is easy when we’re having coffee. Remaining respectful and kind is possible when we aren’t burnt out. Being open and understanding is doable when our day goes well.

But sometimes we’re just not okay. One bad thing can ruin our whole day, turning us and those around us into walking monsters. Such is life. When we have our own issues and struggles to deal with, it becomes challenging to apply all the wonderful tips we know about communication and healthy relationships.

The ugly truth is that everything we know about love may vanish when we are not in our right mind. Oftentimes, small arguments turn into big relationship fights when we misinterpret each other or speak in a rude tone. Empathy quickly turns into tension, and a peaceful conversation turns into a disastrous conflict. We’re looking for a solution, but now we’re fighting because of something that’s irrelevant and utterly meaningless.

Failed communication has a negative impact on our mental health. It leaves us feeling hurt and uncomfortable expressing our thoughts and emotions. It breaks apart relationships and marriages and makes people wonder if it’s worth it to meet someone whom you might resent later.

How can we stay away from criticism, rudeness, and defensiveness? How can we communicate better in our relationship without the inevitable ebb and flow of comfort? We may never be able to perfect our communication skills, but at least we can learn how to improve them.

1. Emotional regulation. Our emotions are likely to escalate during tough or stressful conversations. I have found that the more I manage my emotions, the better I cope with difficult situations. So the first skill we need to nurture healthy communication is the ability to respond effectively without losing one’s cool. It doesn’t mean we bottle up our emotions or control them; we simply reduce their intensity so they don’t cause regrettable, negative behavior.

We can do that by rethinking our words and pausing before we respond. If we don’t have something beneficial and kind to say, we can politely end the conversation and do some self-reflection first. The ability to identify our feelings when they arise is a skill we need to learn. Please notice how you feel when your partner triggers you or says something out of the ordinary. When we’re conscious of the experience, we can navigate the ups and downs steadily.

2. Remembering values. Memorization is an essential skill in life that we often underrate. When it comes to our own values, remembering them is pivotal because they will always be the ones leading our relationship. During challenging conversations, recalling our values grounds us and helps us to think about what matters. What’s your utmost value? It could be honesty, confidence, respect, or anything else that defines who you are.

Slowly but surely, we can train our mind to remember the values we want to exhibit. We can think of them as an ethical compass that determines how the conversation might start and end. For a healthier relationship, it’s also beneficial to share our core values with our partner and make sure they align with theirs. When we deliver our words clearly in a way that respects our principles, there will be no room for disagreement.

3. Staying focused on the problem. When both partners are upset or highly triggered, focusing on the main issue becomes difficult. We may bring up the past or make assumptions about the future. Our communication style becomes ineffective and we might accuse each other of unrealistic things. We might accuse our partner of being rude or too sensitive, force them to apologize, or attempt to urgently end the conversation. All that might lead to new, imminent problems.

One of the best things we can do is to wholeheartedly believe that communication is a solution not a problem. If we keep that in mind, we can keep each other grounded and stay focused on what we wish to solve instead of jumping from one problem to another.

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