*Editor’s Note: This article is part of a series. You can read the second part here. 

When I found out he was cheating on me, I was devastated.

I had a hunch that something was off. The only way I could calm my racing mind was to open his laptop and see if I could find anything suspicious.

One night when he was at work and I was at home, I snooped on his laptop. When I opened it, I saw an open chat on Facebook. He was sexting another woman, and it made me sick at heart. The good news was that my intuition was right; the bad news was that our relationship was about to get a whole lot messier.

Instead of getting to the root of the problem or breaking up, I chose to stay. My deliberate attempts to break up had failed, and so my mission to “change” him began. I was too young and foolish to understand that we could never change people or “fix” them. So, I stayed in a relationship that had turned toxic and found myself snooping on all his devices again and again until it turned into an obsession—an unhealthy habit—that would eventually prompt the end of us.

Instead of finding a way out, I went all in and became addicted to finding out more. I found dozens of messages to other girls. But the messages weren’t the only issue; it was mainly the content. He made empty promises to girls who were also foolish enough to believe him.

When I gathered the strength to leave him once and for all, he told me that he would never check my phone because he wouldn’t risk losing me. If I were cheating, he wouldn’t want to know. His words messed with my head…I felt immensely guilty and that my snooping was wrong. I kept wondering for weeks what could have happened if I hadn’t continuously snooped through his phone. He gaslighted me for many months after our breakup and told me that my incessant snooping had broken our relationship and eventually he was going to grow out of cheating.

Getting over him was easy; I couldn’t see a future with him anyway. Although our relationship was destructive, I felt ashamed for snooping, but I kept telling myself that if I hadn’t snooped, I wouldn’t have found real clues about his infidelity.

He was a cheater; I was a snooper. Was it my fault? Was it his? The snooping debate is complicated.

When my husband and I started dating, I had the urge to snoop. “My partner must be cheating on me” was the first automatic thought I’d get. The paranoia I had felt in my previous relationships kicked in and the traumas from more than a decade ago came knocking on my door; I just wanted to silence the persistent voice in my head that kept telling my partner was cheating. The only way to shut it up was to snoop…but I didn’t.

Although I hadn’t checked his phone, I dug into his social media and scrolled through his likes, followers, and comments. It took me a few weeks to realize that I was spending a disgusting amount of time trying to be a detective and overthinking my relationship while I could enjoy it instead. The internet stole my happiness for a few weeks and, deep down, I was stopping history from repeating itself. My ex and husband were nothing alike anyway, and I knew it in my heart that my husband would never cheat on me—even if he did, he’d most likely be open and honest about it.

When I decided to stay away from my husband’s phone and not let my imaginary suspicions deteriorate my relationship, I swore I would never scroll through his likes on Facebook or Instagram ever again. And, of course, I wasn’t going to unlock his phone, not in a million years.

I have taken things a bit too far and refuse to this day to stare at his phone when he is next to me or check for him who’s calling. I do it effortlessly and surrender every single day to what our relationship has in store for us.

However, to respect my husband’s privacy and keep our relationship thriving, I’ve had to do a lot of inner work. I’ve had to ask myself why every time I get into a relationship I’m inclined to believe that I will get hurt or cheated on. Why do I take emotional precautions as if pain is inevitable?

The inner work I have done is astounding. I don’t even think it’s okay anymore to go through my partner’s phone because it goes against my personal values and the morals of my marriage.

There are many reasons why I would never check my partner’s phone ever again. Look out for reason number one tomorrow.

~