It’s exciting to date someone who ticks all the boxes.

From thoughtful messages throughout the day to frequent, intimate meetings, it feels great. The chemistry is undeniable, and we’d do anything to keep them close. We just want to win that person’s heart no matter what.

Then one day the messages and occasional intimacy are no longer sufficient. We want more…more love, more assurance, more safety. And so we go the extra mile to catch their attention. We turn our whole routine upside down just so we can fit them in it. In fact, we reform our entire life just so we can welcome them into our flimsy hearts.

Once they’re in, we enjoy the euphoria. We feel things we’ve never felt before, then, poof—it’s gone. The intimacy and excitement that have once skyrocketed slowly start to wane and a massive sense of comfort suddenly sets in. At first, that comfort feels too good to be true. It’s everything we have ever wanted. Moving in together, cooking, or binge-watching an entire season of our favorite series are all things we have wanted badly.

Comfort will feel nice—until the day it becomes toxic. It was a dream, but now it feels like a nightmare that is slowly ripping apart our relationship. But here’s something we might not know about comfort in a relationship: it’s sneaky. We think it’s the best thing that has happened to us. The comfort we feel ultimately translates into undeniable security, safety, and commitment.

However, it brings about other things that have destroyed many relationships, which don’t feel so “new” anymore:

>> Predictability

>> Lack of effort

>> Loss of self

>> Complacency

>> Neglect

>> Avoidance

>> Loss of boundaries

So is comfort really a bad thing in our relationships? Not really. We should feel comfortable with the person we love so we can dispel fabricated characters and experiences. In the end, the most beautiful thing in a relationship is when both partners are comfortable enough to be who they really are and aren’t trying to hide their flaws. They know each other inside out and connect on so many levels.

When does comfort turn bad then?

>> When it stunts our personal growth and the growth of the relationship, comfort is bad.

>> When couples stop making an effort to be the best version of themselves, comfort is bad.

>> When things settle down instead of getting more exciting, comfort is bad.

>> When we secretly long for something new or stimulating, comfort is bad.

>> When we aren’t curious about our partner anymore, comfort is bad.

>> When we stop trying to impress our partner, comfort is bad.

The consequences of being too comfortable are usually disastrous. Fun gets lost, sex disappears, and eventually laziness sets in, creating a whole set of wrong assumptions about each other. We think love is gone or our partner has changed. In reality, nothing has changed, but something should be recovered: aliveness.

When our relationship no longer feels alive, it doesn’t mean that we are not compatible anymore or that we should seek someone else who is more “fun.” It simply means that we need to bring back the infatuation stage. This can look different for everyone, so please check in with yourself and see what makes your partner tick. Why did you fall for them and why did they fall for you? Take a trip down memory lane and bring back some of the things that have once made your relationship vital and thriving.

The point is to feel comfortable without losing the energy and willingness to keep “winning” our partner or loving ourselves. So before you think your relationship is dead, rethink your strategies and take a look at what’s underneath the complacency and boredom you feel. What you will find might surprise you.

~