I don’t think of myself as a controlling person.

I like to let people be and respect what life has in store for me. But sometimes my anxiety and need for comfort trigger my desire for control.

In Buddhism they say that when we actively try to control an outcome, we resist what is. We reinforce our attachment to certain results and deny the fact that we can’t always change reality.

I have to admit that trying to control reality is exhausting. Resistance is emotionally draining, and as the Buddhists believe, it is one of the main sources of suffering in life.

For some people, letting things be is also tiring. Practicing non-resistance requires mental effort, and so it’s easier to control what’s outside of them to feel more secure and comfortable.

Unfortunately, that kind of control is not set in stone. When I argue with life, it often disappoints me. It tells me to let go of my resistance and need to change what’s scary, unpleasant, and uncertain.

Having said that, I have learned the hard way to stop arguing with my reality and how things should be. There are many other things that I have stopped controlling, and frankly, I’ve been genuinely happier.

Here are some of them:

1. The outcome of a situation. Trying to manipulate what happens in my life has often given me a sense of safety. However, it has also caused me pain. The truth is some situations can’t and won’t change no matter how hard we may try. Whether it’s a job interview or an inevitable breakup, some outcomes are fixed.

It’s normal to want to see how some things will turn out, but getting too attached to the outcome can result in discomfort. We should learn how to loosen our grip on some situations because believe it or not, the outcome will almost always be in our favor. Even if we don’t instantly sense it, we will eventually see it.

2. People. I’ve finally realized how pointless and absurd it is to want to change people. We can never control their feelings, opinions, decisions, or actions. We can never control how they feel about something or how they see the world. The only thing we can control is how we see them.

So instead of changing someone else’s actions or feelings, reflect on what you can do so you don’t get hurt. You might choose to draw firmer boundaries or you might simply change your own perspective. Know that for a person to change, they have to choose to change.

3. The past. We all subconsciously know that we can’t change the past, but we often try to change how we feel about it or how other people see us in it. We’re so stuck in what happened that we usually miss out on the present moment and dwell on what could have been.

Trying to control the past is like trying to control the wind. The only thing we can do about the past is…nothing. Leave it where it is and take out the lessons that might benefit your now. The more you fight the flow of life, the harder it gets to be genuinely happy.

So what can we control? We can only control ourselves:

>> Our emotions
>> Our thoughts
>> Our actions
>> Our reactions
>> Our perspectives

The more we focus on what’s outside of us, the more we lose the natural connection we have with ourselves. Most of our problems will dissipate if we stop trying to control the world and tap into our own power instead.

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