I still remember my first breakup vividly.

I sobbed like a baby for weeks.

Everything I thought I knew about love turned out to be wrong. I questioned myself, relationships, and life. I just couldn’t see love as a positive, genuine experience; all I saw was deceit.

I wish I could go back in time and meet my younger self. I would tell her that love isn’t that hard, but…there are some hard truths about it.

We often struggle to accept them because they hurt. They might shed light on our relationship dynamics, pushing us to change our entire behaviors and actions. And change—whether it’s good or bad—is terrifying.

So we stick to what we know might work. We keep repeating the same old patterns without ever knowing how to find the right tools that might actually repair and heal our relationships—for good.

To get there, we must be willing to open our hearts and minds and accept some truths that are kinda brutal. Our relationships won’t stand a chance unless we release our old beliefs and misconceptions about love.

1. True love might take years to build. 

The top secret behind everlasting love is time. But time needs patience, and we are often impatient. We are obsessed with instant results and gratification. We want things to be fast and easy—including love. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work when it comes to romantic relationships. “Love at first sight” is a myth, even if it seems true. The only true experience comes after years and decades. Couples might have to go through many life stages together before they can truly know each other and learn how to live in harmony and peace.

2. It all starts with you.

The relationship we have with ourselves shapes all the relationships we have with others. If we have a negative outlook, struggle with self-esteem, are consistently stressed or anxious, or tend to self-sabotage, our love life might suffer. It will all be reflected in the patterns we see in our relationships, as our thoughts and emotions are directly linked to our most intimate connections. It may be hard to accept that we’re the only ones responsible for our own inner world, but the truth is we will never be able to form true partnerships unless we work on changing ourselves first.

3. Relationships aren’t always happy.

This may be the hardest truth of all. Please stop thinking that love is only about happiness because it’s not. Love inherently involves many challenges, setbacks, and problems. Thinking that happiness is the only purpose of love is a shallow, unrealistic idea. The purpose of love is this moment—right now. It may not be perfect; it may not be happy; it may not be promising. It may not bring what we long for, but it will bring what we are destined to experience so we can grow, heal, and belong and form a genuine connection that lasts a lifetime.

4. Love is a daily practice.

We often get into relationships thinking that now is the time to slow down and let things flow. While love certainly needs a laid-back mentality, we need to keep in mind that it mainly needs action—daily action. We can’t build relationships that are rooted in idleness. It’s hard; I know. It’s challenging to regularly check in with our partner and create a safe space where we both feel loved, supported, and respected. But for love to grow, we must be willing to turn it into a daily ritual.

What are some hard truths about love that you haven’t been able to accept? Drop your thoughts in the comments.