Fighting in a relationship over the smallest things is more common than you might think.

Things like chores, punctuality, or emotional outbursts stemming from stress are silly indeed. However, when we fight over them, they turn from silly to destructive.

What we think is manageable and petty turns out to be rooted in personal issues and underlying traumas.

That’s the ugly truth:

Putting laundry soap in the wrong drawer is not the issue.

Forgetting to take the trash out is not the issue.

Showing up late is not the issue.

In other words, being human is not the issue because as humans, we are imperfect and highly inclined to make mistakes.

Then what is it about this silly fight that keeps us stuck in extended and involuntary discomfort?

For many of us, the honest answer is that we are deeply self-centered. The need to be right and impose our own ideas and expectations comes first. We fight over silly things because we want the other person to know what we think about that thing.

Deep inside, we know we are different, but if the opportunity knocks, we’d be more than ready to change the way our partner sees things. We want to change how they feel. We want to reinforce our perspective, even if it doesn’t make sense to them.

Unmet needs also tend to aggravate silly fights. Getting upset over socks on the floor might signal the presence of a totally different issue that our partner might have triggered (that has nothing to do with socks).

Issues that revolve around safety, respect, trust, or validation act as powerful messages when silly fights happen. We communicate through them with the hope of finally being seen.

And so resentment grows and connection gets disrupted. This friction is frequent and has almost become “normal” in many relationships. But this normality is not…normal.

If we keep holding on to resentment, it means we crave connection. We have so much to say and feel but feel blocked. Petty fights might be our sole outlet for our needs. But there are better ways—ways that don’t threaten the longevity of our relationship:

1. When we enter relationships, we work hard to maintain our individuality and autonomy. However, we can still protect our values and opinions without disconnecting from our partner and creating constant frictions.

2. We can begin to understand that happy relationships don’t demand dramatic change from the other just to please one person.

3. We need to prioritize connection over being right. Winning arguments creates temporary, satisfactory feelings, but empathy and humility create long-term respect.

4. Address; don’t suppress. We have to learn how to communicate our needs so they don’t fester and create dormant problems. Shift the dialogue in your relationship from silent to active.

What I like about silly fights is that they’re avoidable. Through awareness and conscious choices, we can shift the nature of our relationship and empower it through our actions and reactions.

No matter what happens, remember that you have a choice. Choose love. Choose empathy. Choose respect.

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