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I have been dating.

A lot.

Differently than I have dated in the past.

After years of navigating anxious attachment and continually and consciously falling into my abandonment wound to feel the ache, this past Aries season a new way of dating emerged within me.

Three men.
Three months.
No sex.
And one lovership.

What this evolved into was an unsuccessful lovership.

A conscious lovership is hard to create, I am finding.

Most men I met experienced this only through the lens of “sex,” rather than as a mutually nurturing exploration rooted in consciousness, love, and evolving sexuality.

The dating of a gentleman.
A long-distance unfolding.

However, in my exploration of dating, I observed a few pieces that intrigued me.

One man, younger than me, carried a tremendous amount of sexual energy.

I could feel it the moment we began to text. The first night we spoke, I couldn’t sleep because his energy was shooting through me. I could feel the power he carried energetically.

And yet there was an innocence in the way he expressed it.

He could name his desire clearly. Speak it directly. Hold erotic tension in conversation without collapsing under it. And because it was spoken consciously and directly, it created safety.

There was no secrecy in it.
No manipulation.
No performance.

Just desire being acknowledged honestly between two adults.

And there was something deeply mature in that.

In fact, I delighted in hearing his desires.

It was a kind of foreplay I could relish in.

I felt an innocence in the way he told me how he wanted to “f*ck me.”

Because of the sexuality work I have done, I was able to receive his desires just as energy. Not something I was obligated to show up for. Not something that was “dirty” or “inappropriate.”

They were simply his sexual desires.

And the innocence I was able to feel was real.

Another man, around the same age, moved differently.

The connection felt beautiful. Present. Consistent.

Until suddenly, it disappeared.

A fourth date had been planned. The energy between us had been building. And then—silence.

No communication.
No ending.
No acknowledgment.

Just disappearance.

And I found myself reflecting not on the ghosting itself, but on what it revealed.

Most adults are not sexually mature.

And what I am noticing is not “good men” and “bad men.” In fact, many of the men I have met are beautiful humans. Intelligent. Kind. Successful. Emotionally aware in many ways.

But what I am noticing is the vast difference in people’s capacity to hold and communicate desire consciously and directly.

Because when adults become sexually intelligent, they begin to peel back the weight of conditioning, shame, fear, and performance and reconnect to what I call erotic innocence.

But sexual maturity is not simply about being able to express desire.

It is also about being able to remain present in the vulnerability that desire creates.

To tolerate intimacy.
To communicate honestly.
To stay in relationship with tension instead of disappearing from it.

And this is where I think many adults are far less sexually mature than we realize.

Not because they lack sexual experience.

But because they have never learned how to consciously hold erotic energy, vulnerability, rejection, longing, power, or intimacy within themselves.

We often mistake sexual maturity for sexual experience.

For confidence that looks like experience in numbers.
For charisma.
For seduction.
For being “good in bed.”

But none of those necessarily point to maturity.

A person can be highly sexually experienced and still profoundly sexually immature.

Because sexual maturity is not measured by how much sex someone has had.

It is measured by their capacity to:

Take responsibility for their longing.
Communicate desire honestly.
Remain present through vulnerability.
Tolerate rejection.

Hold erotic tension consciously.
Take responsibility for impact.
Stay connected instead of disappearing when intimacy deepens.

This is why a man speaking explicit desire directly to me could feel safer than a man who silently vanished.

Sexual intelligence creates safety.

And safety is what humanity is begging for right now.

Sexual maturity is not found in the intensity of desire.

It is found in the consciousness around it.

And this is where I believe many adults are still operating from adolescent sexuality.

Not because they are bad people.

But because we have never been taught how to grow up sexually.

We have been taught how to perform sexuality.

How to consume it.
How to suppress it.
How to market it.
How to sensationalize it.

But few of us have been taught how to hold it consciously.

How to communicate desire without collapsing under it.
How to stay present through intimacy.
How to tolerate rejection without disappearing.
How to take responsibility for the impact of our energy, our actions, our desires, and our longing.

And perhaps this is one of the next developmental thresholds of humanity, and we see it playing from the range of our current sexual scandals to everyday frustrations in dating. 

This is not about becoming less sexual.

It is about becoming more conscious and responsible in how sexuality moves through us.

Because sexual literacy is not simply foundational to intimacy.

Sexual literacy and intelligence create safety.

And it is foundational to leadership.
To parenting.
To education.
To power.
To love.
To humanity itself.

Take a peek at the previous two articles in this series to get a full scope of Sexual Literacy and Sexual Intelligence (SQ) as necessary steps in the evolution of a more conscious humanity.

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Read part one of this series: We are All Sexual Beings: Why Sexual Illiteracy is a Cultural Crisis.

Read part two of this series: When Power Meets Sexual Illiteracy: The Cost of Secrecy.

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