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A post shared by Julia (@julika.illustration) on Feb 24, 2020 at 11:46am PST

*This article was inspired by this post. 

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Do you have friends you are no longer in touch with?

Losing a friend is the breakup nobody talks about; nobody writes songs about it.

I hadn’t expected it to hit me like that again. I thought I was over her, but I’m not. It’s been 15 years since I last spoke to her.

We loved each other. She was the first one to know about the hero of my life, and now she knows nothing about any of me. I remember pushing the key to search for her. It was like she disappeared into nothingness.

Sometimes I don’t think about her for weeks, and then, out of nowhere, it all hits me again. That whatever we had is gone; it’s only a memory that keeps fading and doesn’t feel real anymore. It’s as if it belonged to another me.

I miss the old days, the everyday talks, the secrets, the girl-things, the sleepovers. I miss her; I miss who I was around her.

Please give me a moment and read; this is exactly how I feel. This time I have been able to describe it perfectly:

Sometimes, I am awful with regards to keeping in contact with others. I want healthy and fulfilling relationships with my friends, but it’s hard to invest myself wholly. I want to talk to you, but it’s difficult for me to muster the energy.

I want to hang out with you, but isolation also sounds nice right now. I’ll read your texts, but I’m not necessarily in the mood to reply at the moment. Then I feel anxious attempting to reach out when I do have the energy, and I am in a good mood.

At that point, I feel like I’ve pushed you away, and you dislike me. So I usually remain isolated.

If I had a chance to write you a letter, this is what it would say:

Friend, I like you. And that’s that.

No matter the distance, you will always be remembered.

I hope you will walk into my life like autumn and I will meet you like the fall.

And maybe it will happen as Troye Sivan sang:

“I’m sure we’ll meet in the spring again and catch up on everything, and I’ll hug you and say I’m proud of all that you’ve done.”