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Communication comes first in my marriage.

I like to talk about every single problem, regardless of how silly or small it may be.

My husband and I ensure we’re in a good mood before discussing our issues and know when to withdraw if things get heated.

Addressing problems has saved our relationship many times. But, believe it or not, it has also caused many problems.

They say that a lack of communication leads to frequent conflicts, but I disagree.

Our poor communication skills are the main reason behind conflicts. So it’s not about how often we talk about relationship problems; it’s about the quality of our conversations.

We have long believed that communication is what saves love, but it’s not. There are many issues that fester below the surface of our words and voices, and we dismiss them because we think they’re just another part of our heated arguments.

We live in a culture that praises talking; I’m here to tell you that sometimes silence is what saves love.

Leaving things unsaid doesn’t mean disconnection or indifference; sometimes it means resolution.

Talking openly with our partner is crucial, but knowing which problems truly matter is strength in disguise (and is often underrated). For example, leaving the toilet seat up or breadcrumbs on the kitchen counter are small annoyances that, when addressed, may often create more problems. That’s when speaking up only aggravates the problem.

I’ve realized that we may not be able to solve all relationship issues through communication. Oftentimes, the pressure to “talk it out” stresses us out more than the problem we’re dealing with. When we run into problems in our relationship, we tend to rush into addressing them without assessing the emergency of the situation first. We think we should talk about anything and everything because “brushing it under the rug” is risky.

How real is that? It must be exhausting to keep pointing out faults in the person you’re staying with for the rest of your life.

What if there’s a middle way? What if there’s a safe space where we can determine what to do before jumping into random conversations that could cause further damage?

However, our relationship should be sturdy enough to withstand that place. Couples who aren’t committed to personal growth and haven’t done the necessary inner work may not be able to recognize when they should let the dust settle. Whether we want to admit it or not, the majority of our annoyances are caused by our own state of mind and feelings. But since it’s difficult to be emotionally objective, we think that our partner is the main cause of our unhappiness. That’s exactly when communication becomes unnecessary.

It took my husband and I many random, hurtful conversations to realize that sometimes the best thing we can do is to think about our concerns before bringing them up. Many a time we brought up trivial issues when we were in a bad mood, and we ended up fighting because we weren’t really trying to “solve” the issue; we were just trying to prove a point.

Furthermore, having to talk about every single issue stresses us out and takes all the fun away in a relationship. So how do we filter relationship issues?

Ask yourself if:

>> The issue is worth addressing.

>> You’re communicating for the wrong reasons.

>> You can let it pass.

>> You can deal with the problem by yourself without straining your relationship.

The next time you want to speak up, ask yourself those four questions.

~