My husband and I hate fighting.

We avoid arguments at all costs, and no matter how pressing the problem is, we try our best to solve it mindfully and peacefully.

However, that’s not always the case. We recognize that we operate differently. Like the rest of the world, we have our own unique thoughts, emotions, and perspectives. We come from different backgrounds, and our past is filled with diverse experiences.

Moving in together during the first year was one of the best choices we had taken as a couple. That big step meant letting go of any preconceived ideas we had about each other, but it also meant letting go of the initial stages of dating (aka the honeymoon stage).

Small fights over silly things started cropping up, but our fights weren’t the toxic kind; in fact, they were ultra healthy. They revamped our relationship every single time and shaped it into what it looks like now.

We have discovered that arguments are an essential part of any healthy relationship, but it all comes down to how we fight. Disagreements should help us to grow individually and as a couple, not push us further away from each other.

And that’s what has exactly happened in my marriage. We are comfortable enough to share our concerns, to express ourselves, to be vulnerable, and to be genuine. We understand that our disagreements are a bridge that will eventually lead us to many agreements and lessons.

Having said that, I don’t think conflicts are bad, but do they comprise bad behaviors. It’s not conflicts that lead to breakups and divorces; it’s who we become when our defenses are down and our self-control is diminished.

So who are you (or who do you become) when you are triggered? I’m not saying that staying calm and collected is easy when we are misunderstood or craving sympathy. But I believe that all couples have a lot of inner and outer work to do to create healthy conflicts that extend the longevity of their relationship.

Some problems might be more complex than others. Some solutions might need more time to figure out. But as long as we are looking in the same direction and desiring the same outcome, our fights will always be catalysts for change and growth.

Here’s how to know if you fight well in your relationship:

>> You avoid name-calling.

>> You don’t make accusations.

>> You don’t bring up issues from the past.

>> You focus on the problem—not each other.

>> You don’t shut down during a fight.

>> You don’t argue in front of other people.

>> You don’t get mean.

>> You don’t go back to the same conflict over and over again.

>> You don’t spend days or weeks not talking to each other.

>> You don’t manipulate your partner to get what you want.

>> You know when to stop.

>> You know when your partner gets worked up.

>> If things go south, you know how to repair the damage.

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