Last week, I was furious with my husband for sleeping in.

I had to start my early morning alone with my toddler. Once I had my coffee, I started settling down.

My husband isn’t to blame. He is on duty with our son for most of the day, so he is entitled to some rest. Sleeping in is a silly issue—as silly as leaving wet towels on the bed or forgetting them on the couch.

Regardless of how silly it is, sometimes it still upsets me to find wet towels on the bed. However, it’s not about the towels, and it’s not about sleeping in. If these fights are stupid, why do they bother me?

And why do they escalate into big arguments?

That morning, when my husband slept in, I was feeling tired. I was up all night, and my son woke me up at 5 a.m. So, seeing my husband resting soundly triggered me. I wasn’t upset with him; I was upset for missing a good night’s sleep.

As for the wet towels on the bed, I happily take them to the laundry basket when I’m in a good mood. However, when I’m overloaded, wet towels emotionally threaten me and ruin my entire day.

If you’re in a relationship, or married, I’m sure you’ve been there.

You fight over something silly, then the fight escalates. You know the issue is small and not worth your time or your effort, yet you argue just to argue.

My husband and I had to go through many petty fights to discover that there’s usually an underlying stressor hiding behind our frustration. But that’s rarely obvious. Our minds have a funny way of addressing underlying pain—especially with our romantic partner.

Consequently, we’re not mad at each other; we’re mad at the emotion within us that we can’t explain. Tough emotions and unmet needs are always disguised as small issues—like a pile of dirty dishes, not taking out the trash, leaving dirty socks on the floor, or waking up late.

The content of our fights doesn’t matter; what matters is the emotion that triggers them.

If we can handle that, we can put an end to our petty fights. We can, then, start a new phase where both partners feel secure enough to share their unmet needs, vulnerabilities, or fears.

When difficult emotions emerge, ask yourself if it’s really about the dirty dishes or socks. Check if you can link the situation with deeper issues at play. If you can identify the issues, great. Then, you communicate it. You notice it hiding in your interaction with your partner.

To create a new, healthy dynamic, we must bring mindfulness to our everyday life. Let’s ensure our words and behaviors are mindful and kind. Let’s focus on growth and progress—not winning arguments. Your petty fight is trying to tell you something. Listen to it.

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