Healing from trauma is complex.

The truth is, no one makes it through childhood without being hurt or disappointed in some way. However, while some of us are aware of the traumatic events that have shaped our adulthood, while others…not so much.

Then, you have the third kind: those who are aware of their traumas yet are stuck in a trauma loop. A trauma loop is a place where most of us get stuck. We know what broke us, but we don’t know how to put ourselves back together.

There’s no right or wrong way to heal from trauma. We have different coping mechanisms and unique personal needs. I admire those who recognize what hurt them and are brave enough to face their wounds. But we can’t always be objective in our healing journey.

I’ve listened to the stories of many trauma survivors. I am also still navigating the healing process for my own childhood wounds and adult traumas. One specific issue kept me stuck for years in a trauma loop, and I see countless people caught in the same jarring pattern.

It is not that something is wrong; it just hinders our ability to heal and keeps us from reclaiming our lives. We want to heal. We want to grow. But the problem is, we are still too focused on others.

Those with a history of trauma may be conditioned to blame others for their personal struggles. That’s a trauma response. For many years, I was aware of my wounds but kept blaming others for my pain. Awareness was helpful; blame wasn’t.

When we are deeply wounded, blaming others may be an automatic response. Pointing the finger makes sense of our chaotic world and keeps us feeling helpless—a mental and emotional state we’ve grown comfortable with.

It’s much easier than looking inward. Because the truth is, looking inward is so damn scary. There are many issues to unpack there. We may find long-buried memories or trigger unwanted, overwhelming emotions.

As a result, we remain stuck in an endless loop of pain and think that recovery is impossible. If you are serious about healing, I hope you know that it takes courage (and possibly a lot of tears) to stop the blame cycle. It won’t be easy, but it will help you explore new possibilities and perspectives.

It’s simply part of life to experience hurt from others, but we can’t move forward if we dwell on every hurt and wrong action. We’ve all been victims at some point, but it’s excruciating to be a victim forever. That idea can be so transformative in our healing journey.

Those who are not ready to give up the identity of the victim may not be ready to heal. True recovery begins when we accept that we were victims but are willing to let go of that role. Powerful recovery begins when we crave a new identity that makes us feel empowered and in control.

Recovery is an inside job. Do you wholeheartedly believe this?

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