Crossroads

Eyes wide open. Did I just wake up in the middle of a crossroad?

These past two years have been of absolute growth. I’ve walked through all sorts of rough paths, climbed up very rocky tops of mountains, met people from all walks of life, solo-traveled around the world for 1.5 years, and moved homes across the globe. Definitely toughened up the soles of my feet. As if someone could compress knowledge+growth+experience all in one capsule, I had definitely swallowed it all.

In some ways, I feel like I just started living a new life, as if I was just a new born baby. A more conscious life, or just a conscious one period. I no longer walk around like a zombie, like I used to be, completely blindsided. Everything I do, is purposely. I add salt to my soup, I literally am thinking about the salt, and the soup. It’s weird.

I don’t think I had ever known myself more than I do now. I feel so connected, as if the “I” and the “myself” I used to so clearly separate from each other, had become just one. We hold hands, we dance together, we pull each other up when we’re forced down to our knees. And yet somehow, I feel like I’ve opened up a can of warms.

As much as I love this new form of cruisin’ through life, I kind of hate too. It’s what we all call ‘a love and hate relationship’ that I have with this new level of consciousness. I now question absolutely everything. From who I am, to what I do, to how I do it, to what I want to do… It almost feels like having drafted your entire life in a piece of paper, grabbing it, crumpling that piece of paper, only to throw it away in the trash – basket! Let’s grab on to a pencil and start drafting from scratch all over again.

Is this what people experience when they reach the so called ‘mid-life crisis, or 30s crisis’? Because if so, what a fucking messy crossroad this is. What path should I take? Where am I supposed to go? Who the hell am I meant to be? Hello, is there someone out there who can relate? … and my voice just echoes out, as if I was all alone, in the middle of a valley in the desert of Utah. Am I meant to resolve this crazy algorithm all on my own? Because I ain’t no mathematician.

Before being reborn, and waking up in the middle of a crossroad, I lived what I will call an outwards life. Like a tree, I would seek out for nutrients, both from my branches and from the Sun, and from my roots and from the Earth. I wanted to be just like other trees, my goal was to be as pretty as a cherry tree, that blossoms gracefully during spring, who’s beauty is admired by everyone. I wanted to be the best at my job, be the smartest person sitting on that meeting room, make it out to the US and the so called ‘land of opportunity’, live the California dream, own the fastest shiny red Mini Cooper, and date a gorgeous looking Harley Davidson motard.

Dear Ego, curb your spine. Don’t keep wanting to be the tallest person in the room. Why do you keep looking down on me? I used to not notice your presence, now I can see you coming even from the far distance. Why are you such a piece of shit? I don’t care what you look like, or who you are. Leave me alone.

Looking back, I realize what an empty life that was. So disconnected. Always reaching out. And needing so very much from the outer world. And yet never once, did I question whether that was the path I was supposed to be on. I guess I was too busy growing out branches in order to get to my nutrients.

Inwards. The only way through. If I were to put down a list of the ‘before & after’ fucks I used to give, and I give now, the ‘after’ list would look as follows: am I the person who I want to be? what do I want to do with the life that’s been given to me? am I as happy as one can be? do the fears in my life push me to engage in new things or frighten me away? You know what else I care about? am I hugging truly, and heart to heart? have I learnt to forgive more avidly, and have I become a better person? am I a better sailor as I grow old&up? I also think about whether I’ve done enough things so far to make this world a better place than when I found it.

Having reached this crossroad almost feels like looking down a cliff and needing to jump out. Scared as hell thinking about whether when you do decide to jump, your wings will pop out or will get stuck. I’m reminded of words from Nelson Mandela: “I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”

When I think back to the questions I asked myself when I was 18, they’re very similar to the questions I asked myself when I was 25. Surprisingly, I’m now 30 and the exact same questions remain unanswered. We all have our own wonders, and now in my thirties, much of what I’ve learned is that I don’t have answers to many of these questions and that nor will I have them in the next 10 years. But I will keep asking myself questions, always wondering what path I should take when reaching out a crossroad.

What I do know now is that one can only keep listening, to the sounds they hear, to the signals they see. And not the ones that come from outside, but the ones from within. There lay the roadmaps that’ll take you, all along, to the next crossroad in life.

Greetings from this crossroad.

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