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Love n longing

1 Heart it! Deepshikha 19
September 18, 2018
1 Heart it! 19

You, not you, are the reason I am hurting. Although I wish, time between us wasn’t so intense, but again those time were magical and I stood there yearning for more. Your reality changed but mine remained same. I am still there but magic is gone and you are gone too. More like I was asked to join for a hot balloon ride but once it got on the top among clouds, flames wore off and I came back on earth crushing my bones and heart.

I met you unguarded, I had let go of my walls because the moment I sat on the chair in front and looked at you it seemed instinctive to be vulnerable and let the heart be on sleeves.
It was instinctive to ask you to hold my hands and to tell you how much did I long to be held, Hugged, kissed and caressed. No, I wasn’t lonely yet I yearned for an affectionate human touch. I won’t deny your eyes and wine did give me posture to extend hands and mime those words which you couldn’t hear. it was all I had in me to ask and I couldn’t ask for anymore before I could ask again.
And you kissed me, It was a peck at the first, meaning a lot more in its tone leading to incessant kisses on my lips and all over till next day. and I jibed equally and more. I lost myself in that night and those words, I hadn’t expected you whispered in my ears myriad times. I gave in and lost myself between those lips and the gaze you slayed at me, between those hugs and your attempt of not letting me move an inch from your arms. You held me in yourself forever. I still remain there, Ever. Your reality changed, mine remained same.
Its true, I led you on, and You prevailed it into an ecstasy I couldn’t reclaim me from but we ended up proclaiming it ours. I remained there you moved on!
I remained between your fingers I kept fidgeting with while we talked, between those songs you sang or played for me, That para you read to me in morning about “Sita’s Death” I remained there, Those coffee sips I took from your cups or your laughter or in those looks you set down at me yesterday. I remained there, In those numerous moments within the four walls of your room. I would remain in the question where you asked me to travel along with you…. I will linger there ever.
When i ask you questions or say things which doesn’t make sense to you and you are not at all liable to answer to any of them. Please know, those are the fragmented moments between my sobs and breath. It is not you who I am asking or saying things to. It is me or either life I am saying these to. Life, which keeps crashing my ego all the time. if I asked you, you will know the answers. When I said what do you want or why do you despise me so much I didn’t mean to say that to you. I just meant to question myself that why I remained there while you moved on.

Yes, My heart did cringe when I said, I love you and you answered back asking why did I love you? My heart cringed! cause I had hardly stopped listening to those words in my ears you whispered. I behaved naive and did not understand a lot of other cues,
Tussle between the girl who remained there and the person who believe in letting go things gracefully had started. And the girl who remained there won every day.
Text which bothers you, annoys you is the scream of the girl who wants to remain there ever, her scream while fighting with this person who has seen life and not surprised a bit and knows to move on, Scream which couldn’t be concealed between hours of rattling thoughts and bitter unceasing cry.

What’s your fault? what are you responsible for?
I am hurting cause I did not know better, cause I expected from life and maybe for a little while from you. I choose not to know better. I let myself be swept off. I did not know better. More Worse I tried to cling to you, to all that time.
I know I annoy you but I do not understand that annoyance, Don’t be! don’t be rude, don’t be harsh with her, for she only is trying to hold on to what was cherished and loved between two of you. Just know that I am still being spent between us even when you have moved on.
Just cut some slack if you can! I know I fuck your head but try not getting pissed on me, I am just a person who is trying to retrieve herself. I know I react when you don’t answer to my text Because I am still stuck at where this guy reverted at length even at 3 am. Just allow some reprieve. Cause I am the girl who you spent yourself on. Trust me every line I message or say which goes unrequited and unreciprocated kills a little bit of myself and makes me less proud.
Again what I have written all above is between the girls who remain there and the person who wants to let go.
You are not expected of anything, Even though i bring up reprieve and slack. I am just being a person who is trying hard to get herself back. It had been so much better if I didn’t include you in all of this but I am just a human a bit torn right now.
I do not write all of this to seek any kind of approval or sympathy or any of that sort and I know you might understand me or might not, cause Again, Your reality changed, mine remained same.

No, you don’t hurt me yet I will forever dread being held or kissed. Now I know why Sita Died or metamorphosis actually happens.

You asked me several times what do I want from you?
but actually, Question is what can you give?
Nothing. Man that night gave me world but then again, Your reality changed, mine remained same.

I wish I was less naive but then everything felt so real I couldn’t have thought of it any other way.
Leaves me to rattle where am I wrong? what was my fault?

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1 Heart it! Deepshikha 19
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