July 30, 2010

Taking a Time-out from Myself?

Practical Schizophrenia.

I found myself saying I need to take a time out from being Kim Stetz. Brief as the time out was, I wasn’t really sure what to expect when I came up with the idea. What would I do for “x” amount of time not being me? I like me, just sometimes I think I am a bit much even for … well, me. Last week a new comer in my life told me that I am “intense.” He said he wasn’t quite sure in what way, but intense nonetheless. I took it as a compliment. I spend most of my time, day in and day out, helping others through teaching yoga and health coaching.  When I am not doing that, I am working on myself so that I have the strength, courage, and insight to help others. After all, we are all here to serve.

This brief time out I was seeking, I equated to the space after meditation when the bell chimes and you let go of the mantra or the technique, and sit for a few moments without purpose or intention.  That space was the time out from me that I desired. I wanted to part from myself, briefly and not too far away, kind of like if I was a daemon in the Golden Compass. Daemons are part of the soul in this Sci-Fi tale. The daemon co-exists with the human and is forever changing until the human reaches puberty. The daemon then fixes on a particular animal, which best reflects the personality of the adult human.  The human cannot live without the daemon and vice versa.  I haven’t figured out what my daemon would be if I were in this Sci-Fi tale, but I love the idea of having some kind of creature as our other half of our soul.

I wanted to be this fictional daemon and push the boundaries to see how far away I could get from myself without hurting. Trying to escape one’s self doesn’t work especially if you’ve read The Wisdom of No Escape by Pema Chodron, oh, probably 100 times. What could I do for ten minutes that didn’t have a purpose or meaning? Surely there are plenty of things to do; after all, it’s just me that I was looking to take a time out from. I am not the President for God’s sake.

Dancing around my apartment with the music quite loud seems to loosen the vice grip on the brain. Dancing makes me laugh and lighten up. Of course, this is not an escape from me, it is me, dancing, laughing and having a great time. I tapped into the lighter version of me, but nonetheless still me. My fictional daemon was having a great time, too. She couldn’t escape me either.

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