March 11, 2012

The Do’s & Don’ts of Dating a Yogini: Care & Feeding.

Brendon Hulbert and Heather Dawn

Part 2: Now that you’ve got your Yogini…How do you keep her around?

Do reveal more of who you are…slowly. Good news, She’s hooked! Even if she’s had several rebirthing sessions, spiritual healings and visits to her new-age therapist then tells you she can handle anything. She can’t.

Don’t get caught up in the online dating world of high speed- information-reveal.  She doesn’t have to know within the first two weeks that she’s the one. Hold back on sharing that you’re looking to move to Boulder, CO, get married, have kids and buy a Jamba Juice franchise all in within the next year.

Don’t commit too soon.  Make her work for it!  There is nothing a self-empowered yogini likes than the thrill of the hunt. If you need proof, just watch her search for the perfect yoga class and teacher. That in itself can take up an entire Sunday morning!

Do make her a home cooked meal filled with substitute proteins that include tofurkey and Braggs amino acids. Watch her eyes widen with delight (hopefully not a wheat allergy ) when she sees your homemade Seitan saute and Kim chi-tempeh-kale sushi roll!  Don’t forget to make her take beano with your home cooked meal.

Seitan! Tastes “just like” meat. Except, it’s wheat!

If you don’t, rather than the sound of a gentle thump of a head board against the wall, you could be subjected to the robust “tooting of the horn” from her root chakra to befuddled your love making efforts.

Do take her to movies like “Tree of Life” or “ The Titans of Yoga.”  Compromise is necessary for any good relationship. Don’t worry; she’ll compromise when it’s your turn to choose a film!  FYI: If you’re looking for more snuggle time, go for the heart-felt romances that will be impossible for you to sit through like “The Vow.”

Don’t take her to the weekend opening of any Transformer sequel. Her version of compromise will be to comment on how much gas and energy those robots were wasting as you relish those heart-racing action scenes! Once you are home, she will force you to research alternate forms of energy and suggest you both petition the studio the very next day.

Do surprise your Yogini to a 3 day pass to Bhakti Fest. Nothing says I love you more than the sight of a spiritual master doing asanas in 105-degree desert heat. (If your Yogini regularly practices in the furnaces of Bikram or Moksha yoga, it will be as taxing to her as  taking a dog for a walk.)

I loved Bhakti fest’s Mark Whitwell! Just not in 105 degrees!

When at Bhakti fest, bring your yogini a late night Date nut shake. Then, gift her with a pair of those boot-cut yoga pants she was eyeing earlier at one of the vendors. You know, the one’s with the extra thick lycra she loves, but you secretly think her hips looks gigantic in.

Don’t debate your yogini if she has a Guru. It’s a bad idea even if you think it’s preposterous that she has to pay 500 dollars for a three-day weekend retreat in a remote vacation-like compound with some 12 year-old master from India who supposedly reached enlightenment at age five.  In general, don’t mess with a yogini and her Guru.

Is it really worth him placing an energetic curse or block one of your chakras when this young “Guru” has an unenlightened moment of adolescent retaliation? As the Dalai Lama told Dan Harris of ABCnews.com “Occasionally, lose my temper.”

Don’t attack her formerly closeted friend who recently changed his name to Ram (pronounced R-AH-MM. Not RAM, as in your hard drive.)  This applies even if he left his high-paying job, his wife and kids, shaved his head and became a massage therapist. I mean, really–who are you to judge?

D0 listen to her tough day at the office. Even if she doesn’t work in an office. Her tough day most likely consisted of some yoga douchebag who made a near inappropriate adjustment of a posture and passed it off as her being too uptight.

Do repair her heart chakra with a rose quartz necklace after your first lover’s quarrel. Nothing says, “I’m sorry” than a cheap, pink rock blessed by her favorite new–age healer to help absorb the negative energy of the fights you’ve been having. Don’t waste your money on a diamond!  It will only lead to more fights about the civil wars, rape, torture, killings, beatings and child labor issues surrounding diamond mining.

Don’t ignore her inquiries about marriage. Tell her a decent wedding costs the price of opening up an orphanage in Cambodia. Then ask her which one she’d prefer.  Hold back on reminding her the orphanage is a tax right off, as every girl (yogini or not) wants a nice wedding.

Do take her a nice vacation that you both can afford. Don’t nickel and dime her by skimping on the 16 dollar pool-side organic iced tea and avocado salad. Rather, ask her to get a Long Island Iced Tea! She’ll get so tipsy from the drink and dehydrated from the sun she’ll have to go back to the room for a nap.

Don’t ignore her inquiries about kids.Instead, support her on the decision to have children with you! Do make sure to break down the costs of a nanny well versed in new-age child rearing, a life time of food and clothes, 18 plus years worth of schooling and health insurance. Then ask her to split the cost (after all, this goes way beyond the cost of a night out to dinner!)

Yoga sex swing.

Do take her to your favorite, yet tasteful, sex shop for a wild and experimental evening! When it comes to her pleasure toy, think glass. Those petroleum based rubber love aids will only remind her of the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. (If you really want to splurge buy one of those yoga sex swings where she gets to have her yoga practice and you at the same time.)

Don’t tell your Yogini you think she’s high maintenance even though it’s a given. She’ll explain this away by telling you she’s just highly sensitive and intuitive. You should just agree. Everyone knows a great yogini can control every muscle in their body. And that’s money in the karmic bank for you!

Congratulations, you’re in a full-on relationship! Say good bye to feeling lonely and unloved.  Say hello to compromise and sleeping in warmer house-hold temperatures than the male body was built for. The days of being single are over.

 Or are they…


Editor: Kate Bartolotta.

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