Welcome to this week’s Ask Me Anything, where no question is out of bounds! To submit questions for next week, please email me at [email protected].
I look forward to hearing from you!
I am 43-years-old and began a relationship over two years ago with a man who I thought was “the one.” I’ve been divorced over 15 years and been in and out of many long term relationships since then, all of which ended well.
This new man swept me off my feet—treated me better than any man ever had. Made me feel like the most beautiful, desired woman on the planet. For well over a-year-and-a-half it was wonderful. He constantly discussed our future and possibly moving in together, when both our kids went off to college this fall.
In January of this year, things changed when we had our first big fight. It was over something silly I am sure, but I learned how sharp his tongue was. He said some of the most vile, disgusting, horrible things and called me ugly names. After hurting me so much and his pleading for forgiveness, I did forgive and we moved on.
A few months passed and over the Easter weekend, another fight ensued and once again, the ugly, horrible things and accusations were said and names were called. This time he cried and apologized, and again, I forgave him under the condition that if he ever did it again that I was done for good. He promised—it took him just two weeks to do it again. And this time, a switch was turned off inside me, but I still love him so much. He’s crying, begging and apologizing. Promising me he’ll change and be more cautious with his words in the future. As much as I love him, I no longer trust him with my heart and I’ve said so.
I officially ended things last weekend and have asked him to leave me alone but he calls and cries and send texts saying how much he loves me and he’s sorry—blah, blah, blah.
My question is this—can someone truly change? Especially when they realize that they really can lose someone forever? Should I give him another chance considering how much I really do love him or should I stick to my guns and close that chapter??
~ Hanging On
Dear Hanging On,
“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” ~ Randall Terry
It’s possible for people to change, but do you really want to waste more time finding out if he will?
Your guy sounds like a classic emotional abuser, and at 43 you should be beyond wanting to engage in this kind of behavior with him.
Stick to your guns, be grateful for the good times you had together and look towards the future where a truly great relationship awaits.
There’s a guy I’ve been working with for about nine months. He has always been nice to me and lately he has been very nice. He is always touching my shoulder, hands, lower back or bumping into to me accidentally.
I take these all as good signs, but sometimes I get mixed signals as well. I want to get to know him more outside of work because we have never been in a non-work situation.
In the last two months he has bumped into me at school and asked me to go to Starbucks, but I politely refused because it was my last final of the day and I was tired. He then offered to go out for a drink and being the clueless person that I am, I declined, later figuring out that this would have been a great opportunity to get to know him more.
Then yesterday we were leaving work, he waited for me and held the door and nodded to see if I was coming—and I said I wasn’t leaving yet!
I have no idea why I did any of this—maybe I am afraid, but I don’t want him to get the wrong idea and I’m nervous that I missed my chance.
Please tell me what you think about this.
p.s. I am 20 and he is 22 if that makes any difference.
My first thought is that you shouldn’t fish where you swim—relationships between co-workers are generally frowned upon and can be grounds for dismissal. I don’t know how important this job is to you, but it’s something to consider.
My second thought is that you do, indeed, sound nervous, which is totally normal for a 20-year-old woman.
If you really want to get to know this guy, stop waiting around for him to take the initiative. Women have been fighting long and hard for you to have the right to make the first move! Take a deep breath and ask him out yourself.
He has given you more than enough proof that he’s interested, so I think his positive response is basically a given. Suggest that the two of you grab coffee or lunch together sometime and see what happens.