I have brilliant friends whose thoughts often echo my own—maybe that’s why I see them this way.
One such friend is Courtney A. Walsh, who wrote the Dear Human quote that has gone gonzo-viral over the past few years. Like me, Courtney is sensationally single and still has a desire for a mutually fulfilling, loving relationship with a partner who is her match in both basic and profound ways. We met a few years ago and spent a fun weekend together laughing as we mused about the wondrous absurdity of life and the meandering path of relationships.
I nodded my head in agreement with a statement she posted on Facebook this morning about desiring a man who has the qualities she is seeking. She described a conversation with a friend that began this way:
“Yesterday I casually said: I need a man who’ll balance and calm me in a loving, but not patronizing, way when I start going off to Crazytown in my head.” Well the words “need a man” strung together set off my friend’s alarm bells.”
“You don’t need a man.”
Here we go.
Of course I do. We all do. We need men. So, why can’t we feel okay about admitting this?
She continued outlining the things she did and didn’t need a man to do for her. As I read her monologue, I found myself nodding and checking items off my own list.
“Need” is such an icky word, one that implies dependence and weakness. For this recovering co-dependent, it is the way-too-close cousin of neediness. It gives me a sense that I can’t stand on my own two feet, which I have since I was less than a year old and they’ve taken me to extraordinary places. But sometimes I still get tripped up and fall as I traverse the relationship landscape.
Lately I’ve been caught up in a somewhat dysfunctional pattern of training myself not to want what isn’t available from certain people in my life. In the guise of avoiding disappointment, I have quelled some desires with the assurance that these needs will get met elsewhere. They usually do, but there is an accompanying sadness since the “heart wants what the heart wants.” And over the years, this heart has wanted specific interactions with specific people.
The tears and sadness have too often been locked away behind steel reinforced doors. Sometimes I peek through the keyhole to see what’s inside and have even gotten brave enough to open the small, secret, hidden-from-the-world hatch and glanced further. Getting braver so that I can open the creaky hinges in need of the Tin Man’s oil can and see what’s back there.
With a lantern at my side, I explore the nooks and crannies, the shelves that go so far back they contain years of tears and insecurities that I dared not admit.
This might sound shocking to those who perceive me as confident and self-sufficient. I am those things, but I also want the love and support of other people. The biggest admission is that I, too, need a man in my life who will match and mirror my strengths and vulnerabilities.
One who is willing to play deep in the pool emotionally, rather than hide from the waves that ripple, wondering if they will pull us under. One who is eager to hold out his hand when invited to the dance of intimacy. One who has walked through the fire of feelings and had the dross melted away to turn his heart into molten gold. One who will stand by me and have my back as I have his.
One who is willing to engage in adult play with the innocence of a child, embracing the transcendence of a sexually spiritual/spiritually sexual relationship. One who says what he means, means what he says and follows it up with action. One who loves me with whole-hearted passion, holding nothing back. One who is full of delightful surprises and keeps me guessing what amazing thing will happen next.
One who breathes and stretches together with me, both literally and figuratively. One who sees his own magnificence mirrored in my eyes. One who is willing to do our right livelihood work together in the world and for the world. One who shares his dreams and is open to making them come true. One who goes beyond belief into knowing that miracles happen all the time.
One who lets me behind the doors of his inner sanctum. One who sees beyond my flaws and loves me through them. One who is willing to build a life together from the materials we have accumulated over the years. One who has achieved wisdom from experiences that challenged him. One who faces his fears and mine as well, knowing that we will overcome them together. One who steps up rather than runs away when times get tough.
One who is a peaceful warrior, who uses love as a tool and not a weapon to tame our dragons. One whose baggage is carry-on and fits in the overhead compartment, rather than a steamer trunk. One who cherishes, treasures and adores me, as I do him, and who rarely doubts that this is so.
One who is endlessly curious about life, the universe and everything. One who has integrity for his beliefs and walks his talk. One who honors the Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine within each of us.
All of this, I offer to him. And I ask that he be willing to accept it.
Who needs you, baby? I do.
Author: Edie Weinstein
Editor: Nicole Cameron
Image: Luisa Rusche/Unsplash