May 16, 2016

Why I’ll Never Apologize for Being “The Needy One.”


“Needy” is a word I’ve been hearing a lot these days.

I heard it in my own head as well in the past. There was one relationship where I was labeled as needy and I still remember how much guilt I felt when my former partner blamed the end of our relationship on me.

I thought about visiting a therapist to help me with this so-called “problem.” I started looking online for solutions to my neediness and to my surprise, found it was a problem that many women struggle with. I came across articles like, “How to Stop Being Needy” and “Why Men Pull Away when their Girlfriend becomes Needy.”

It took me years to finally figure out that I wasn’t needy. Long after our breakup, my former partner admitted that he only told me that to mask his own irresponsibility.

A few days ago, I saw the old me in two of my girlfriends. Both were struggling because the men in their lives called them “needy.” This made me stop and wonder why we are constantly worried about becoming too needy. Why is it considered a problem that women must deal with?

Why are we so afraid of being labeled as needy?

The term “needy” has become associated with insecurity. It’s used to describe a woman who is asking for too much—be it attention, time, understanding or maybe just being loved a little more.

For years I saw myself as this woman. But then I woke up. And my hope is that every woman who was or still is called needy will do the same.

No, I’m not needy and no, neither are you.

We owned what we needed. We were courageous enough to say what we want and address what’s wrong. We just wanted our needs to be met and there is nothing wrong with that.

If you have ever asked for loyalty, it is because you deserved it. If you have ever asked for attention, it is because you didn’t get enough of it. If you sent too many texts, it is because your texts weren’t being answered. If you talked too much, it’s because you wanted to be heard.

If that’s what defines a needy woman, then I’m damn proud of being one because hell yes, I know what I want and need and I’m not scared to say it out loud.

I want women to know that any partner who labels you as needy, is someone who is not owning up to the things they are not giving you. If we are pushing to get something, it means that the thing we are asking for is missing. And we have all the right in the world to ask for it.

To all the women who are called needy: know you are strong.

Our so-called neediness is strength in disguise. It shows our courage to actually ask for what we want, rather than going along with our partner’s unacceptable behavior just for the sake of keeping the peace or staying together.

We refuse to shrink ourselves to fit an image. We know that we don’t need to be someone we’re not just to keep someone’s love for us burning. Because with the right person, we won’t find ourselves asking for what we need. We will instead find ourselves receiving without having to constantly state what we want. And when we do ask, the right person will listen and take our needs into consideration, rather than dismissing us as “needy.”

To all the women who think they are needy: You’re not.

But you are strong, courageous and assertive. You know what you want, what you need and what you deserve. Stay you.


Author: Elyane Youssef

Editor: Nicole Cameron

Image: Jeremy/Flickr


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