There is a lot of momentum in the socially conscious movement to end pejorative speech in general, and in particular, use of the words ‘retard’ and ‘retarded’. “Why is that?” You might wonder. “As long as I don’t say it around people who are mentally challenged, what does it matter?” I totally get it!

I would often use these words myself to emphasize just how ridiculous or silly I thought something or someone was. Sometimes, I’d use it to describe something really fun and wild, like a busy nightclub. It was my multi-purpose, ultra-emphasizing, go-to word for many years. Kind of like the way people use the ‘eff’-word (including yours truly). It just seemed to give that perfect little extra something to what I was trying to get across. And I never thought anything of it!

And then it happened. I gave birth to a beautiful, tiny little girl… my sweet, special Sadie. She has Down syndrome, caused by an amazing little process by which she ended up with three copies of the twenty-first chromosome instead of the typical pair. Every little cell in her body has this added chromosome, giving her many remarkable characteristics. She has the tiniest little button nose. Her eyes have the most beautiful almond shape. She’s got the cutest little gap between her big toe and the rest of her toes. I could go on and on… suffice it to say, she is adorably perfect!

But she also happens to have a significantly impaired intellectual capacity. She will likely have an IQ no higher than seventy and will probably need assistance with basic daily living skills for the rest of her life. She is, for all intents and purposes, considered mentally retarded.

Coming to terms with this reality has had its shares of ups and downs, but compared to many parents of children who have Down syndrome, it’s been relatively easy for me. Before Sadie was born, I was blessed with a son with a severe cleft lip and palate, a son with acute behavioural difficulties, and yet another son with complicated mental health challenges and gender-dysmorphia. I am a seasoned pro in the word of special needs, and I have developed incredibly strong advocacy skills for my children. Must be why Sadie chose me!

But the one thing I did struggle with was trying to adapt my vocabulary. After she was born, I hadn’t even noticed the first few times the R-word rolled off my tongue until someone pointed it out. And then it started catching in my throat. I felt horrible! Why couldn’t I stop myself from using this word!? And soon enough, each and every time I heard someone use one of the R-words, it felt like I was being stabbed through my heart. Why did it bother me so much?! I was puzzled.

So… I did what I always do when life throws a puzzle my way. I solved it. I read articles and blog posts. I talked with other parents of children with Down syndrome. And I developed a thorough understanding of the hurtful and disparaging nature of pejorative speech.

I learned that using these words (and others like it) to add emphasis to our speech and connote some (perceived) negative aspect or attribute of the subject to the situation or person we are describing is wholly disparaging, totally belittling, and completely derogatory. And it makes us sound extremely insensitive and foolish.

For example, if I say, “That’s retarded!” what I am actually doing is attributing a characteristic or quality of someone who is mentally disabled to describe a situation that appears to me to be incomprehensible or lacking someway in structure, organization, logic or reason. And if I say, “He’s a retard,” I’m doing the same thing, only much more directly. This is incomprehensibly and utterly disrespectful to people who have mental disabilities, whether they hear me say it or not. The underlying insensitivity and ignorance that perpetuates the use of pejorative speech is just as harmful as the words themselves, if not more so.

When I made that connection, I no longer even needed to think about censoring my speech. The words ‘retard’ and ‘retarded’ just suddenly evaporated from the library of my vocabulary. And as I’ve applied this understanding to many other areas of life, words like ‘gay’, ‘stupid’, and ‘crazy’, not to mention others, have been erased as well. And guess what else happened, I stopped sounding like a fool.

So the ‘R-word’ I love to use now? Respect.