December 10, 2019

Why I Won’t have Sex with You.

Celibacy is a commitment.

It’s certainly not glamorous, nor am I living like a nun with a vow to a holy power.

Celibacy is deep learning and understanding of oneself. Learning to channel the addiction to what we think love is, found in another human.

It allows one to go into the deepest, darkest places of oneself without expecting our lovers to heal or support us.

It’s learning to rely on our own essence, the truth of who we really are. Spiritual beings having a human experience.

You are ripped open to the core of energy in motion. And what is found is Love.

The longing doesn’t fully go away, but the foundation grows stronger.

You’ll find yourself standing firm at the moment of indulgence, releasing that “It’s just a taste,” or “Let me see if this is the one,” only to find another painful lesson or deep wound to heal.

Instead of spiritual bypassing, you’ll begin to really know yourself and look into the purity of people’s hearts—or lack thereof—and instead of judging, finding deeper compassion and empathy.

The temptation to have a taste begins to fade away.

Strength, endurance, deep knowing, and, most of all, trust. You’ll cry out to spirit and ask why you’re all alone. You’ll learn patience and how to read the signals, green light to safety, or proceed with caution. The red flags will not just be flags, but spiritual cockblocks, and there’s no way around it.

Days turn to months, months turn to years. For me, it’s turned to seven years, by choice.

Not to say I’ve had no experiences; there were times I felt called into the lessons. Now, it’s been over two years since learning how to be with my own energy.

Celibacy is a space for learning.

You’ll learn the meaning of pleasure, touching your own body, understanding orgasm in a way of checking in, not out.

You’ll learn to let go of the addiction to sex and find deeper connection with self.

And then you’ll begin to look past the facade and see the truth when being present with others.

Into my truth:

For me, to break celibacy, it’s how does this person play with me? Does he meet me halfway? Are our conversations deep and meaningful? Does my yoni get activated (yes, without acting on the desire)? Is he my friend? Is he devoted to the process of knowing me and himself? How do we resolve conflicts?

Truth is, to break celibacy means that you’re my version of Everest and I have withstood every temptation to give in, quit, disregard myself, lose my authenticity, or even spew projected pain and trauma.

I can look into your eyes and see you. I can laugh with you. I can play with you. I find myself in deep knowing that, yes, you’re the one I have learned myself for and I can readily show up for you and you for me. My King. You are strong, vulnerable, compassionate, empathetic, and loving—to yourself, first.

You will not spew some bullsh*t of evolved relationship, polyamory, and the need to share your love freely with others. I believe that kind of love is not just a choice but an evolution that takes years and deep emotional maturity most of us don’t yet have or understand.

You choose me and I choose you, every day. Together, we co-create on a mission to serve and be beacons of love. We lead by example.

So, damn straight, you better be my best friend, second to myself, and I have to trust you with the core of my being. Because I’m not just giving you my yoni; you’re getting the whole world my heart stands for. The reason why I exist: to enhance my mission to love all humans. So, yes, you better be that special, and I’ll tell you now, in all my years alone, you’re the needle in the goddamn haystack and my gratitude runs deep for you.

You better know this isn’t about me or you; this is a soul up-leveling after the deepest, darkest initiations and full knowing that spirit is guiding the way.

Together, we love. Together, we rise.

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