January 7, 2021

Why we Keep Ending Up in Sh*tty Relationships (& How to Stop).

*Warning: well-deserved cursing ahead!

Love yourself harder, sis.

We need to talk about relationships. 

Romance. Love. Relationships. 

“But why? Don’t you usually write about weight loss?”

Yes, but weight loss like mine requires a whole lot of “Deal With Your Bullshit.” And for many of us, bullshit can be found in our relationships. 

I’ve come to recognize that our relationships are a signal of how we feel about ourselves. 

My advice on relationships is simple: we will date at the level of our self-esteem. So, do not, under any circumstances, enter a relationship if you don’t love yourself. 

So often, we look to someone else to make us happy and complete us.

But, when we don’t love ourselves, we accept less than we deserve. We fall for pretty words instead of actions. We fall for someone who flatters us instead of someone who complements us (notice I said complement versus compliment. Look it up). And then we accept less than we deserve. And we start to put on weight. 

Now listen, if we begin a relationship—going out and eating ice cream or steaks—and we put on five pounds, that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the significant weight gain that happens when we are hoping for someone else to make us feel better. When we feel like shit deep inside, and we eat all those feelings. 

Then it ends, and we lose weight. The heartbreak weight loss. Revenge weight loss. Whatever you call it. It’s when we’re sad, mad, whatever, and we don’t eat. We start working out. We think we feel good—we think we’re fixed. We think, “Now, I look good enough. Now, I can find a good man.”

But we haven’t actually deal with the inner bullshit that got us in that shitty relationship, to begin with.

Our self-esteem is still nonexistent. What we have now is shallow confidence—rooted in recent weight loss. But we haven’t learned how to truly love ourselves in all its forms. It’s false self-esteem on shaky ground. We still don’t truly understand our value. 

Imagine this:

So, a man comes along. He flatters you. He says pretty things, and it’s what you need to hear because you don’t say nice things to yourself. You’ve been subconsciously searching for someone to love you and make you feel worthy. His attention makes you feel good, so you ignore the warning signs. He says he adores you, so you brush away those red flags. He makes you feel loved when deep down, you aren’t sure you’re even lovable (but you’ve never dealt with that). 

So here you go. Ignoring the red flags and falling for words while ignoring the actions. And you start gaining a little weight—eating a few of those emotions. Something happens, a warning sign that’s hard to ignore, and instead of blaming him, you blame yourself. Your relationship is shallow, and you can’t communicate. You can’t speak up because you might lose him.

You’re afraid to lose the one person who says they love you. You start to think you aren’t loving him enough or the “right” way. Maybe you aren’t good enough. You quit caring for yourself and throw everything you have into caring for him. And your weight creeps up. His pretty words are fewer and farther between. But the red flags keep building, and it’s getting harder to justify them or explain them away. So you try harder. You care for yourself even less. Love him harder, and maybe he will love you. 

Listen, sis, if you want to be happy, quit trying to love him harder. Love yourself harder. You cannot make an unworthy man love you while hating yourself. You can’t recognize worthy love because you can’t even recognize your own worth. 

Fall in love with yourself first. 

Recognize your worth.

And then the right man will come along and recognize it too. 

When you love yourself, you’ll be truly happy—by yourself. In fact, you’ll have settled into the joy of being single and independent. Your life will feel full and complete. 

And then, wham! A man will come into your life. His actions will match his words. He will recognize your worth because you radiate worthiness. 

He doesn’t make you happy (you were already that). This is better. He adds to your life instead of subtracting from it. 

Quit seeking validation and love from someone else. When you feel unworthy or unloved, care for you even harder. Throw everything you have into making yourself feel loved. 

Love yourself harder, sis.

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