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“You just need to trust me.”
How many times have you heard this?
I have heard it a great deal, and to be honest, I have a significant problem with it.
However, in the past, whenever I heard it in my relationships, it used to comfort me. It soothed me. It brought me peace and reassurance.
I was naive. I thought that the mere act of hearing someone telling me, “You need to trust me,” is genuinely enough to just trust that person. Again…I.Was.Naive.
Now this line might be harmless. In fact, it’s cute…maybe. But it’s not. If anything, it’s harmful. It’s not enough, and dare I say it, it’s dangerous.
Many of us have been victims of this charming line. Asking someone to “just” trust us is basically asking them to put aside their needs. We’re asking them to disregard our actions and fall prey to empty words. We’re asking them to give us something that we haven’t yet earned.
At the same time, we’re indirectly telling them that we’re not responsible enough, or might not know how to “make” them trust us.
We think that if we love someone, we should naturally trust them. Wrong. Trust isn’t a free package that comes with love (and it isn’t a chocolate bar you buy from the nearby market). Trust is earned. Trust is something you give and show—not something you ask the other person to feel. It’s not something you need to advertise.
So ditch the line “you just need to trust me.”
Don’t judge or shame your partner for not trusting you. We’ve all had a difficult past that was likely packed with hurt and betrayal. Emotional traumas don’t go away at the flick of a switch.
When we love someone, we need to respect all their wounds and work with them on eradicating them. So when we say, “Just trust me,” we are asking our partner to shut the f*ck up and pretend that they don’t have any wounds.
So show, show, show. Be transparent. Be an open book. Communicate. Be consistent. Be honest. Admit mistakes.
And if you want to say something, don’t advertise your fidelity. Say this instead:
>> I know where you come from, and I know it must be tough for you to be able to trust again.
>> I know this is going to be challenging, but with time, I can show you that you can trust me.
>> How can I win your trust?
>> How would you feel if I do this or that?
Having said that, trust is a work in progress. Don’t make it any less than that.