Spirit was calling me this morning, in my sleep. I had spent several days in struggle and darkness trying to connect with It to no avail. And then unexpectedly, Spirit came to sweeten my dreams this morning. The dreams I cannot remember, but the sweet nectar of spirit was certainly there as I was regaining waking consciousness. I’m not sure which ones of my daily efforts and practices had made this possible; Spirit’s apparitions were always fickle to me. I searched my mind to find which of the tools I used and practiced had been responsible for making Spirit appear, and found no conclusive explanations, and so I gave up the search and just concluded that it doesn’t matter and I’d better enjoy this before it’s gone. I allowed myself to smile and could feel the joy restored in my chest, for the first morning in a while. My granddaughter giggled next to me, in my bed, as she was dreaming, confirming one more time that Spirit was there for her too. I cuddled, inhaled her scent, and kissed her for a few seconds, and then felt a strong calling to get up and go outside.

As I was getting ready to go outside Ajeet Kaur’s song, ‘in the light of your grace I walk on’, came to my lips and I couldn’t help but sing it over and over again like a mantra, as my joy kept increasing.

The biting cold winter air was thankfully still this morning. I raised my eyes up, meeting the reason for my outing; a glowing half Moon, hanging in the immense darkness, ready to deliver Spirit’s messages. I’ve read (from Jamie Sams books) that some indigenous cultures of the American continents refer to the Moon as the Grandmother. I’ve always struggled with this concept, and as I was walking the path around my building towards the park nearby, and gazing back at the Moon hanging in her coolness, my judgement about her reinforced itself. I thought: ‘My human grandmothers are warm and a constant source of love and affection. The Moon is cold and constantly changing. Why would they call her Grandmother?’ She seemed certainly wise though, and graceful. She looked like royalty; cold and distant, she glowed with beautiful light reflected from the Sun, adorned by the star jewels around her, and by the thin wisps of clouds as her silk robes. And yet, even if these adornments did not exist, she would still be as beautiful as ever.

‘What might you have to teach me?’, I thought, ‘You’re cold and distant and beautiful. You offer me no warmth, no love, and what use am I to you?’ Why would Spirit want me to meet her in this cold dark morning? Doesn’t Spirit know that I’m craving and needing love? This so called Grandmother, offers no love.

I entered the park avoiding the slippery patches of ice illuminated by the blue light of the Moon, and I leaned my back on one of my strong and supportive tree friends, facing the Moon; attempting one more time to listen to what she had to say. ‘This tree friend, so supportive, now that’s love’ – I thought, giving a silent praise to the tree and a silent comparative criticism to the Moon. I raised my eyes again and met her glow. She was framed by the uneven branches of the tree. Like a queen, in her throne of darkness, I had been summoned before her. ‘Speak to me’ I thought in my impatience. She kept glowing, and being what she is, undeterred by my judgment, impatience and craving. I closed my eyes, and tried to feel her in my heart; where I usually try to feel everything. She wasn’t there. She tapped a cool glowing finger on my forehead and said : “I’m right here.” The third eye, I thought in amazement. A very unaware, very dark, very foreign part of me. She continued:

“I am what I am, always changing my appearance, but without a doubt I am what I am. I am not the Sun, neither do I try to be It, as you humans try to be ‘another’ when you feel insecure in yourselves. I am undeterred by human’s comparison of me and the Sun, or their greater praise towards him. I’m not less because I reflect his light instead of producing my own. I do not need your external love and appreciation to be, and yet, you see that I’m royalty and grace even in the lack of your humanly love and appreciation of me. In fact, you admire me because I do not alter myself based on your love for me or the lack of it. I alter myself because that’s what I am; this is my medicine.  I am what I am, even when the Sun light is not reflected on my surface, and I’m almost completely dark. That does not make me less than what I am. My I am-ness is always constant, full, unchanging, despite my ever-changing surface. Just like you find the Sun’s light, warmth and love within your heart, you can also find me within you. My nature is within you, as much as the Sun’s nature is within you. All you have to do is seek me within. Though you might feel more affinity with the Sun, trust that I’m within you too. I hang like a lamp in your darkness; that part of you that you avoid at all costs. That unknown, unseen, which inspires fear in you. And yet, in that darkness I hang, slowly, but gradually increasing my luminance, so that you can see better around you, so you can see slightly better the path ahead of you. So you can avoid that slippery patch of ice in front of you, and choose the secure patch of grass on which to place your feet instead. Like a Grandmother, I take your hand and offer my support by illuminating your path, not fully, but just enough so that you may learn to rely on your own intuition within. When I’m full, you can see better, and you can take bigger risks, and wander further away in the wilderness. When I’m less illuminating, you take smaller risks and learn to rely on your own intuition more. You’re never alone, even when I’m the darkest. You know that when you close your eyes, the Moon between your eyes, will illuminate your inner path, just like I illuminate your outer path. I am yet another external manifestation of your inner world. You walked outside tonight seeking me and my Moon medicine. Now you know that as you were seeking for my medicine externally, you can very well seek my medicine internally. Whenever you need me, whenever you’re in emotional darkness and confusion, you can close your eyes and find my soft blue glow between your physical eyes, helping you in your path. You need to be a bit brave though initially. Just like you walked outside today alone in the darkness, you need to be brave enough to go into the darkness within you. You need to be a bit patient though. I do not reveal my light fully and suddenly. I take my time; I do it slowly, and gradually, I’m in no rush; everything needs to be shown in due time and in its due cycle. My medicine is there to help you find the love and light within you, when you feel stuck in darkness, until the dawn arrives once more to illuminate and nourish you. This is who I am, this is my medicine”

My mind was speechless at this cold Queen who suddenly turned into a wise and loving Grandmother, delivering her medicine of brilliance and fullness and beingness and fearlessness and fluid transformation. My human eyes suddenly noticed that the Moon glow which I had initially thought of as cold, was indeed full of love. Not the kind of direct and burning love as that of the Sun, but a veiled, behind the scenes kind of love that prompts and trusts one to find the love and brilliance within themselves. Just like the Moon, you and I are brilliant, and whole, and we are that which we are, without the need to become something more or something else. What we already are is full enough. We can sit as comfortably in the darkness as we can in the light. Grandmother Moon can teach us how. Next time you lock eyes with her in the sky, take e moment and breathe in her soft glow and sing ‘In the light of your grace I walk on.’