Relationships that rock you to your soul.
For most of us that seems like the holy grail of relationships.
And a complete fantasy. Unattainable. You might get one or two, but the trifecta is the stuff of fairy tales. It just isn’t possible.
I thought the same for years. Don’t get me wrong—I was madly in love with my husband. I enjoyed sex with him. But checking off all three boxes together just never seemed to happen.
There was a massive disconnect and I just could never figure it out. How could I be so in love with someone, yet at times, sex would feel casual? That shouldn’t happen in a marriage, should it?
Yet, it does. It happens all of the time. In fact, in most relationships at least one party is disengaged or displeasured when it comes to sex and intimacy at most times.
What is it that keeps us apart and prevents us from achieving the pleasure and the intimacy that would fulfill both people and foster a relationship that does rock you to your soul?
The answer might surprise you because it is what most of us turn to when we want to loosen up, bond, or spice up our relationships.
Whether it’s a romantic bottle of wine, beers around the fire pit, or tequila making your clothes fall off, it’s also what stands in the way of connecting with your partner and finding intimacy. Physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy.
Alcohol is not an aphrodisiac. Actually, it is the antithesis of an aphrodisiac. It does nothing to improve relationships.
Many of us believe that alcohol makes us more willing, less inhibited, and more enthusiastic to have sex. It’s hard not to believe that when everything points to needing alcohol to feel and get sexy. Music, books, movies—they all reaffirm that false belief. False because, when we look at how alcohol acts on us physically and psychologically, we know that it can’t do the things we expect it to do between the sheets (or wherever it is you’re getting it on!).
Your biggest sex organ takes a huge hit from alcohol. And I’m not talking about down there. Go up. Further. Your brain is in charge first and foremost when it’s time to perform. Booze will lower inhibitions, lessen tension, and make you more impulsive. That’s why we believe alcohol makes sex better. It can make us less shy and more open to it. That also means it clouds our judgment and can lead us to regretful decision-making and painful consequences. That can mean everything from having sex with someone you wouldn’t normally choose to be with, drinking to get intimate with your partner even though you weren’t in the mood, or doing things sexually that you actually aren’t comfortable with.
Booze can loosen you up and lower your inhibitions, but it can also lead to sexual hang-ups and regrets after. It creates beliefs like “I need alcohol in order to have sex” or “My partner won’t enjoy sex with me if I haven’t been drinking.” Even more concerning is the trauma that can come from poor choices while drinking and prevent you from enjoying sex at all.
Sex should always be with someone you want to be with, when you want to be with them. It isn’t a chore or an obligation. And the truth is that it isn’t truly enjoyable for either party if you needed to have a drink so you could get it over with. The most sensual experiences have happened for me and my husband when we were both present, engaged, and in the mood. That trifecta leads to a stronger relationship and a stronger desire to be physically intimate again.
What about being able to get in the mood? Alcohol is an aphrodisiac, right? Often, when we believe something in our minds, we make it true. That doesn’t mean that it actually functions that way in our body. In fact, quite the opposite tends to happen.
Alcohol doesn’t create hormones that stimulate us mentally to be aroused. What actually occurs is the effect of lowering inhibitions. We misperceive that as an increase in arousal. Physically, drinking makes sex anything but pleasurable.
Mind-blowing orgasm? Earth-shattering sex? That is a tall order when booze is making it harder for your brain and body to communicate. It dulls physical sensations, making the touch and stimulation that makes sex feel amazing not feel like much of anything. That’s why reaching an orgasm can either take forever or stay completely out of reach when you’re drinking.
It gets worse. That bottle of wine or those mixed drinks before bed can lead to performance issues. You’re not hitting the sex trifecta if you brought booze into the bedroom with you. That’s because your body can’t perform the way it should to make sex feel good. In men that means a struggle to get, and maintain, an erection because your penis can’t feel or respond well to the sensations it’s feeling.
And for the ladies, sex mixed with booze can be downright painful—both before and after. Alcohol is extremely dehydrating—making it harder for women to lubricate. Sex that doesn’t feel good isn’t pleasurable at all and can also cause issues like vaginal tears, yeast infections, and UTIs later. Not quite the trifecta we were going for there!
Sex can feel amazing and produce orgasms that leave you convinced you’ll never walk again—without any booze. In fact, the more engaged, alert, and hydrated you are, the better the experience will be. Anyone who has had a healthy round of “Good Morning” sex can vouch for the energy and mood boost it gives you. Morning sex is way easier without a hangover too!
Relationships that rock you to your soul.
The sex trifecta isn’t a fairy tale. It is attainable. Getting there means doing something that may seem crazier than any position or proposition you’ve ever encountered before. Sex without booze. Just you and your partner. Engaged. Present. And feeling everything.
Are you brave enough to try?
If you’re not sure if sex without alcohol is in the books for you, join us in The Alcohol Experiment. Over 325,000 people have gone through this free 30-day experiment where we explore life without booze (including sex and alcohol), take a look at your beliefs, your relationships, and more, alcohol-free.