March 30, 2022

A Toxic Masculinity Guide to Moving On.


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Do you struggle to move on? Do you find yourself still pining over past partners?

If you answered “Yes,” to either question, it’s time to embrace your inner shark!

There’s so much wishy-washy, cuddly-feely hogwash out there about how to move on after a broken heart. No more! That all stops today!

I’m going to reveal my 100 percent successful manly method of leaving your previous relationships in the past where they belong. All you have to do is embrace your inner merciless King of the Ocean!

Read on to discover how you too can live again after heartbreak in five simple steps:

1. Just get on with life.

Don’t wallow, don’t think about it—just behave as if nothing’s happened. Lost the love of your life? Pah—they barely mattered. Keep moving, buddy. You’re a shark.

What happens to a shark if it stops moving? That’s right—they die. Die! Sharks don’t waste time sitting on their sharky behinds and wallowing—they spend their days in perpetual motion, surveying their watery kingdom.

Don’t stop stopping. Carry on carrying on. As for that engagement ring…

2. Keep the souvenirs.

As you blatantly don’t care, there’s no need to rid yourself of any physical reminders. Why should you? Besides, it’s just “stuff” and sharks can’t be affected by such baubles. Nah, keep everything she gave you.

In fact, to show just how much you don’t care, to show everyone how little this affects you—keep it all on permanent display. All of it. This kind of devil-may-care brazenness is pure shark.

Your eyes might start doing funny things as you gaze at those objects. Don’t worry—those aren’t tears in your eyes—sharks can’t cry.

The engagement ring? No point getting rid of it—you’ve had it for three years now. It’s depreciated so much, pawnbrokers expect you to pay them to take it off your hands. Just put it under your pillow—like a piece of treasure you’ve retrieved off the sea bed…

Hang on—isn’t that what octopuses do? Who cares? You’re a shark, baby. Do what you like.

3. Don’t take any time to evaluate your flaws.

The best thing about being a morally-vacuous, shark-shaped, blur of activity, is that you don’t have time to think. And thinking is bad. Especially about anything you might have done that contributed to the breakdown of your union.

Besides, you don’t need to waste time doing this anyway, because it wasn’t your fault. It was all their fault. No failings to be found on your end of things. No need to work out your toxic traits and work on them.

You don’t need to change who you are. Sharks don’t change for anyone. They’re the king of the sea. Kings are never wrong. Ever. You’re perfect. This is a scientific fact.

Introspection is for porpoises or clams. You’re neither.

4. Stalk them on social media.

This is utterly permissible. You’re the monarch of all you survey, including social media. It’s okay to snoop. In fact, it’s your shark-given right to oversee what’s happening in your kingdom.

It’s also important to leap to wild assumptions about what you see. Some might say because you’re not part of their life anymore, you’re in no position to judge anything they post. Such people are dolphins—tuna, at best. Mock them, keep looking, and create any narrative your sharky brain wants to concoct.

It’s even more fortifying if you occasionally take out the engagement ring and grasp it tightly whilst you stare at the pictures of her happy face.

As you do your sharky-stalking, it’s important to ignore that strange, nauseating feeling you get in your tummy when you see a picture of her. That’s not sadness or regret—it’s your innate sharkiness growing stronger.

Nothing to worry about. Keep going.

5. Have a rebound relationship.

This will not work. In fact, it will be a raging disaster and people will get hurt. That’s okay—sharks don’t care. Indeed, they care so little that—once this rebound relationship crashes and burns—they’ll embark on another. And another. Just don’t tell them about the engagement ring under your pillow—non-shark types will misunderstand. They won’t get the sheer sharkiness of this.

Keep doing it, dude. With every broken heart you leave in your shark-shaped wake, you’ll leave her further and further behind. It’s just how sharks roll. That’s it. Just repeat steps 1 to 5 until you have either finally left them in the past where they belong or you have acquired a drinking problem.

Embrace your inner shark, my friend. You know it makes sharky sense!

Author’s Note: It goes without saying that you shouldn’t do any of this. None of it. It’s preposterous nonsense. And—for goodness’ sake—get rid of that ring; it’s been three years now, buddy…)


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