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I know the Universe has lessons for me.
Sometimes I see them for what they are, sometimes I have no idea they were there until I’ve passed through them, and sometimes they sail completely over my head and boomerang back for another try.
The most recent lesson, letting go, is a repeat track, and the Universe won’t stop until I get it. Letting go of the illusion of control. Letting go of my fear of the future. Letting go of thinking I know what is best for my children, without regard to their knowing or intuition.
Parenting has got me again. I’m in a rut and I’m searching for a way out. I know I need to let go, and until I get it, I won’t escape. But it’s so f*cking hard.
Yesterday, I went for a walk and was thinking about what I need to change to become a better parent, and my gut is screaming “Let go!”
But…I just can’t. I can’t seem to let go of trying to understand why my kids won’t listen to me. I know best…don’t I? I’ve been there, I’ve done all the stupid things, I’ve made the bad choices and learned and grown and evolved, so why can’t they just see that? Why can’t they just skip all the bad sh*t?
Because they are humans, that’s why. They need the chance to learn and grow and evolve in their own way. Because they are on their own journey of self-discovery and mistakes. Because life is an individual quest into becoming our own person, and we have to live it to get there. We have to live through it all to become all we are meant to be—the good, the bad, all of it.
Being the answer for them in the times they can answer for themselves will strip them of their evolution of becoming. I am not the judge of what their answers will be—good or bad, they are theirs to own. They cannot traverse this life without gaining wisdom from mistakes, knowledge from failing, insights from interactions. They have to fall, period. And I have to let them.
This includes letting them come to their own conclusions, not jumping in with my opinion. It includes letting things go, even when they aren’t what I think they should be. It means I cannot predict the future (even when I think I can) or what it holds for them, but accepting that they will figure it out. It means not feeling guilt when things aren’t the definition of perfect to me, but they seem perfectly happy. It means being there for them, quietly to listen, not armed with advice. It means being a good role model and trusting they will see that. It means showing them options but letting them choose. It means accepting all parts of them, with the unconditional love I feel, and not letting fear take over and turn into forcing them to be or do what I want, but instead just loving them as they are.
My most recent mantra came to me on my walk and it perfectly defines where I need to grow and what the universe is telling me:
Lift them up,
Guide them through,
Let them go.
If I can do this, I will have learned the lesson the Universe has given me. And if I don’t, I know it will come back for another try. But I am going to choose to believe I can do it. I can let them go.