I stepped into my 37th year last week.

Surrounded by my loved ones, I blew out the candle as a wave of conflicting thoughts washed over me. I knew at that moment that I was being triggered.

I kept wondering if others were judging my appearance, which made me second-guess the entire night. Long story short, I began my 37th year while battling feelings of shame, fear, and unworthiness.

While others saw my smile and gratitude for their presence, they were oblivious to the inner child within me who was still trying to process an old wound from three decades ago.

I was just seven years old, looking out the window and waiting for my friends from school to arrive for my birthday. I can still hear my mom’s voice an hour later, “Honey, I don’t think anyone’s coming. Let’s cut the cake.”

The memories have slowly faded over the years, but the impact of that day still echoes within my nervous system. Add in many other stories and experiences that have deepened my feelings of shame and unworthiness, the adult me who’s 37 today still feels trapped in the body of that seven-year-old girl.

I keep saying that my 20s were much worse. Back then, I didn’t know that the seven-year-old version of me would still exist. Now, I know better. I fully realize that a big part of me still involuntarily reacreates familiar childhood patterns—because it’s all I have ever known.

Regardless of how old you are, I hope you discover that a much younger version of you still exists. You can’t see, hear, or touch her. But you can recognize her in every reaction, emotion, and behavior.

She catches you off guard when you’re in a current situation that may be similar to a past one. Then, you find yourself using the same coping methods you developed during childhood. These methods may have kept you safe when you were a child, but in adulthood, they may not be effective anymore.

We revert to the same old patterns because that’s how our nervous system is wired to survive and protect itself. It remembers dangerous situations, instantly triggering the same defense mechanisms that have once ensured our safety and continuity.

When I blew out the candle, my environment was friendly and welcoming. However, my nervous system was triggered by a tiny cake, a single candle, and some really good friends. Like an alarm, it released a wave of emotions and thoughts to protect me from another possible rejection.

As I try to free myself from the old version of me, I’m aware that I can’t fully dismiss or blame her. The seven-year-old me was only trying to process the feelings of inadequacy and fear that defined her childhood. Now, as an adult, I’m trying to take the lead. Rather than letting her dictate how I feel, I reassure her that we can do things differently this time.

When our inner child is running the show, all we can do is reparent ourselves. Before automatically reacting, ask your inner child what they’re feeling and why they’re triggered. It’s helpful to remember that our knee-jerk reactions are often unconscious, stemming from our nervous system that has only ever known one kind of response.

We can still acknowledge the needs of our inner child while honoring the new, strict boundaries that we choose to draw. There are many alternative possibilities that can heal our wounds and help us set the right emotional tone. With willingness and commitment, we can face our old fears and wounds.

We can start now as if we are seven years old all over again. We can rewrite our story and rewire our nervous system. It won’t be easy. It won’t be fast. But I promise you it will be worth it.

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